Timing

I love this quote by Yung Pueblo, who is a brilliant writer and meditator. He has keen, accurate insights into humanity, psychology, and trauma conditioning. There is even something about the font he uses on social media that I find soothing and welcoming. I bought a ticket to hear him speak at NYU for the end of March prior to COVID.

 It irritates me when people say “time heals everything”. With all the information available to us on how to heal ourselves and the essential steps required to do so, it feels like a lazy, outdated notion. I’m sure we all know people who have been harping on the same topics for years, even decades. The same destructive and unhappy patterns repeating in slightly different circumstances. Conversations and complaints that don’t seem to change, grievances that don’t improve. Wounds that never heal, brokenness that doesn’t somehow fuse us back together. We can’t expect time to do any of that for us. Time is neutral. It is a gift in the form of space and length in which we can make choices. The pivot is in our hands, and time is the stage on which we can choreograph new steps. Certainly things happen over time that we didn’t realize were set into motion, either by us or by Source. For instance, you slept late the morning of 9/11 and didn’t take the train to work that you never miss. Or you met the love of your life completely unexpectedly. There are things backstage that the spiritual set designers are planning for us all the time. But it’s a partnership. The most brilliant script can be written for us, but if we don’t commit to memorizing the lines then it’s useless. Time doesn’t heal; we do, by deciding that we want different/fresher/ better/ healthier and moving towards that. Pace is individual, and even those of us with fiery pitta tendencies will be taught to take it slowly. Healing is a long process. It isn’t time that will do it for you, but it is indeed time that is your friend on this journey. Time allows us to kindly be patient and gentle with ourselves while we learn to walk again. It mostly likely took decades for you to get to where you are; unlearning and de programming your mind, body, and heart will take precious time. Each time I feel I’ve reached a new trail marker on my path, I uncover a new space that needs exploration and attention. The layers keep revealing themselves. Like most things, time just is. It’s entirely up to us how we use it. I know there is so much talk of this in regard to our current state. This pandemic has given most of us more time than we know how to handle. There seems to be pressure in using time wisely; to self care, to connect with loved ones, to enjoy simplicity, to learn ourselves, to create, to clean out closets, to be productive, etc. We all have our lists of things we have been “wanting to get to if only there was time”. What’s interesting is that we have always confused our lack of time with a lack of motivation. There’s either too much time or too little. It’s somehow “time’s” fault if we don’t accomplish stuff. There’s a lesson in that too. That perhaps what we thought we wanted to do turned out to not matter all that much. These realizations are crucial in the continuous editing process. How we want to spend our time and with whom are incredibly important self discoveries. Despite the horror and tragedy of this virus, those of us that have been fortunate to remain healthy and safe have indeed been given the great gift of increased time. It’s a wonderful chance to go inward in every sense. If that terrifies you then perhaps start exploring why. If losing our former distractions and intoxicants make us feel adrift and lost, get curious in a gently yet starkly honest way. Use this time to be curious about yourselves, what makes you tick and why, what you may be looking away from out of fear and discomfort. Time doesn’t clean anything up for you, that’s not it’s purpose. But we can align ourselves with this new reality of added time. We can meet it and use it well. No one needs to know about your process, it’s private. You never need to explain or justify the journey of self exploration. Anyone who won’t support that or understand might begin to drop away. That’s not time removing them; it’s time helping you steer yourself in a new direction of your design. In our deepest, darkest places we hold so much stuff that needs unpacking. There is often a lot of shame in facing this dirty clutter. Shame is a tough one, and has usually been ingrained since we were very young. Just as no one can clean out your closet for you (you need to decide what to keep and toss), no outside source can do your inner healing. Time can’t do it either. Time is here to assist and support. Let’s use this time to come out of this improved, lighter, more peaceful, more joyous. We have time to unpack, to put down these heavy loads that have slowed us down over the years. The entire world will hopefully be forever changed post COVID19. The portal has been created; if and how we walk through it is our decision. We are clearly being taught to live with less, on the deepest of levels. There is profound emotional freedom that comes with that lesson. Let’s no longer rely on time, or blame it. Let’s love it for cradling us while we use it wisely and well. Time is always here for you. Will you be here for you?

(Self) Love in the Time of Cholera

Swap Corona for Cholera and you’ve got a deal. Now swap this movie title (from a film I never actually saw) for the cheesy Ashley Judd movie called Double Jeopardy and you’ve really got a deal.

I was discussing Double Jeopardy with a friend tonight, in terms of how I’m managing myself during these incredibly uncertain, heavy, scary times. Last week I thought everyone who was freaking out about covid was overreacting. How life has changed in a few short days, for the entire world. Today, I’m on total lockdown with my family. My daughter has been quarantined for three weeks and is going crazy. My sons always dreamed about having no school, and are now verbalizing missing it terribly. My oldest had to clear out her college dorm room. I’m well aware we are amongst the fortunate. My chief concerns are occupying my kids, making sure our home is stocked, remaining calm, and staving off boredom. People all over the world lost their incomes overnight. Children who eat their one meal a day in public school don’t have access to food. Single parents can’t afford the luxury of being at home with their kids because they have to choose between their health and working to put food on the table. The entire planet is in dire straights, with no seeming end in sight. Humans don’t like the unknown in the best of times, and now the population is really reaching unprecedented levels of unsure hysteria. There is clearly a giant cosmic lesson in learning to cope with the unknown. In finding stillness amongst the emotional upheaval. In violently unplugging all the ways we rape the earth of its resources. In hitting the reset button in our treatment of the environment. In learning how to unite and treat each other better, to see every single human as having the same needs and vulnerabilities as we do. Our circumstances and details vary, but underneath all that interchangeable stuff are deep commonalities. Health, safety, food, fresh air, income, friendship, education, connection, and interaction are universal needs. It’s amazing how quarantine and social distancing reinforce connection and community. I find myself thinking of people that never much crossed my mind before; the Amazon delivery guy, the Instacart order gatherer, the teachers holding class together virtually, the manager of my supermarket who is so overwhelmed because demand is far greater than supply, to name a few. My exercise instructors and DJ friends who cannot work and have no source of income whatsoever.  I’m thinking so much about this wonderful woman I visit with at the nursing home; I miss her as well as the freedom to show up there at all. I miss leaving my home. I miss my friends. The sheer liberty of getting in a car to go anywhere right now is something I hope I don’t take for granted ever again but most likely will. The other day I googled local homeless shelters. I called one and asked them what they needed. They were so appreciative and told me they need food. It took me two weeks of frantically stocking up my own home to consider the needs of those less fortunate. Even the google search melted the hard armor of protection I unconsciously put around my heart. The instinct to shut down and close up out of fear is so strong. Only after I opened did I observe how much I’d closed off. I needed the act of giving to take a jackhammer to my “hunt and gather” means of fake safety. I placed a huge Instacart order of canned goods and non perishables, put on gloves and a mask, and drove to this shelter in Washington Heights. I wasn’t afraid of the virus; I was more afraid of being an asshole by only thinking of myself and my family. If I let this virus pass, and it shall, without teaching my kids true lessons in giving then I’m a failure as a parent. This isn’t self righteousness; it’s fact. All the lessons I have learned in opening up my heart and fighting to keep it open, are ultimately not worth much if I don’t pass them onto my kids. Driving home from the shelter was the most joyous 20 minutes I’ve had in 3 weeks. I felt certain of the purpose of being a member of humankind. Giving feeds us, always. Even if at first we resist out of fear. Why? Because we are spiritually designed for it. It is what we are, and no amount of logic or constricting can make us outrun our true nature. To give is to come home, plain and simple. And to feel settled at home is a beautiful feeling. There truly is no place like home.
   

Going back to the movie reference. In the movie Ashley Judd’s sleazy husband frames her for murder, which lands her in jail. While in prison she works out like a nut, sharpening her body, strength, and determination. She is laser focused on the goal to free herself, catch her husband, and reunite with her young son. While in lockup she learns new skills, builds friendships with other inmates, and pushes herself towards her future. I realize this is an idealized version of jail but hey, it’s a movie. The point is, her world was ripped out from under her. Her new reality sucked but she rebounded and kept her sanity with discipline, dreams, and determination. I have been thinking of this movie during my own lockdown. I feel blessed that I can always hurl myself into my music. I happen to have a ton of very necessary DJ work to do so I spend several hours a day with my equipment. This gives my day structure and uplifts me because I am bringing my future DJ visions into my present. I am determined to block out the fear, agitation, and distractions and focus on building up my own skill set. One day life will resume and I will be ready. I am not wasting this time by watching the news and whining. I decided right away that would not serve me. When I find my mind veering off course, I just keep bringing it back like a restless puppy. Goals, dreams, visions. That’s how I am spending these few weeks. I fight the frustration of being stuck by mentally moving. Yes, I’m feeling trapped, stale, and  out of sorts. Cautious,adrift,and unsure. All the feels that are everywhere right now. But I’m putting those in a drawer to sharpen myself in all ways. I refuse to squander this time that I didn’t want but was given. I know what I need to do and I’m going to do it. I have numerous projects in the pipeline that I’m ferociously developing. I owe this to myself; to be ready for whatever is to come, however that winds up looking like. One of the lessons here is how precious time is. How we spend it is entirely up to us, regardless of circumstances.
  Some parting meta: May all Beings everywhere be safe, well, healthy, and peaceful. May all Beings be free from fear. May all Beings love themselves enough to just Be in stillness and silence, and to find the comfort underneath the discomfort.

We don’t know when, but this story too has an ending. They all do. We can get through this. See you on the other side of fear.

Passover Fish Tacos

Talk about creativity during times of scarcity! Super proud of this recipe. Having never cooked for Passover before, I’m pleased with myself for figuring these past few recipes out. It’s been a fun challenge.
These fish tacos were so delicious and not hard at all. They were a great change of pace from the expected grilled protein and vegetables situation that’s a holiday go to. Gotta mix it up since this lasts ten days.

Ingredients:
One piece of matzoh per person
One piece of tilapia per person, cut into tenders
Matzoh meal panko style breadcrumbs
Two beaten eggs
Guacamole, fresh or store bought
Vegetable oil
Pico de Gallo (mine was a diced red onion, diced green pepper, and chopped tomatoes mixed with olive oil and lemon juice)
Salt, pepper, paprika, garlic powder
A lemon

Soak the matzoh in a water filled pan for 15 minutes. It will be soft and pliable. Delicate too. When they’re workable, carefully remove and lay on paper towels to blot. Prepare the fish. Season the tenders with salt and pepper. Dip into the eggs then the Panko crumbs that have been seasoned with garlic powder and paprika. Why not add some cumin too? Heat a skillet with very hot vegetable oil, and fry the fish tenders on each side until golden brown. A couple minutes on each side. Drain on paper towels. Prepare the guacamole and pico de Gallo and set aside. Heat a large skillet or griddle with a thin coating of olive oil. Grill the matzoh several minutes on each side, working one piece at a time. Place each matzoh carefully on its own plate. Assemble the tacos, layering guacamole, fish, then pico de Gallo. Roll the matzoh tacos up. Slice the tacos in half horizontally. Enjoy! Messiness welcome as always.

Zoom Birthday Coffee Thing

Should I even be writing “zoom” anymore?? I think it’s redundant at this point...
One of my special ladies had a birthday over the weekend, so the rest of us decided to stage a faux iced coffee get together. We all committed to dressing as if we were actually in public at this cute brunch spot we all love. I bought this oversized shirt dress from Century a couple months ago, thinking I’d wear it in real time in Miami for Passover. But alas... it’s ok, we’ll get there. I love taking an oversized shirt and belting it. It’s such an easy, chic styling trick. This bright primary color pattern called for white shades as a contrast. Lockdown or not, Spring is coming. It is definitely a mood booster to be able to embrace a new mode of dress during these restrictive times. If we’ve learned anything here, it’s that the little tweaks we make matter. My friends are still awesome and deserving of celebration. The iced coffee is still refreshing. Spring is still doing her thing. All will be revealed, including this ensemble in a legit restaurant, when the time is right. Hang in there. I know it’s hard. I’m with you.

Virtual Date

Ok, gotta work with the times. No sense in resisting what is, or planning future outfits that we have no idea when we’ll use. For this virtual date concept I was imagining two peeps siting outside (if possible) around sunset, flirting and getting to know each other over a glass of wine. That sounds kinda cute and sweet).

I based this look on what would be sexy and pretty, yet natural and easy. Honoring the fact that you’re still having a date and want to look good, while keeping it comfy at home. Btw, a dress up zoom get together with friends is also a fun way to break up the monotony and make the best of these social restraints.
 I put on a mid length slip dress under a chunky sweater and poof; date ready. Jewelry, just some blush, a hint of a lip, bare feet (cuz I love that), and this loose half top knot that I’ve been loving. The large sweater acts as a yummy blanket as the sun sets and it gets cooler. I felt great in this outfit, and it was effortless to put together. Either way, it’s nice to look and feel amazing and comfortable, in person or via technology. A date is still a chance to flirt, have fun, and look forward to seeing each other again. Hopefully soon it will be in person!

7

So here’s a trip for you...
At my recent zen meeting, our teacher led us in a profoundly moving meditation that had me weeping. We were instructed to lie down, get comfortable, cover up, and relax. Koshin then asked us to imagine being told we had 7 years to live. Who would we tell? Who would we not tell? Why? How would we want to spend those last years in this lifetime? We had a few minutes to mentally answer the questions. Every few minutes we were given new time frames in which to ask ourselves these same questions.
If we had 7 months left
7 weeks
7 days
7 hours
7 minutes
7 seconds

This was the rawest mental exercise I’ve ever done. I personally have never thought about my last few seconds of breath. The very last thing the body ever does is exhale. At that point it’s all gone, all of it. All the ideas, stories, plans, regrets, concerns, physical functions, desires, frustrations, betrayals, hopes etc that have lived inside us have jumped ship long before. The exhale outlives all else. That’s how powerful breath is. It’s the last thing to stay inside us until it too must go. What state do I want to be in during those very last few seconds?

The lists I had for whom to tell and whom not to tell were mostly the same. I am pretty certain of my core people. I know who I’d want to handle my healthcare proxy, my departing soul, my funeral/burial, and who I’d want to be around. One person who I did not think I’d tell prior to this exercise popped up as someone I would indeed want to know. On the flip side, someone who I previously did think I’d tell in such an extreme situation no longer feels right to include. The clarity born from exercises like these is so important. The self knowledge gained here leads to some of the most valuable insights we can possibly have into not just our deaths, but our lives. If we are so sure how we’d want to spend our time and with whom, why aren’t we doing that now? Why wait to narrow down what’s most important? Personally, I want to die the same way I want to be alive.
I really recommend finding some quiet time to sit with yourself, amidst this time of unavoidable reminders of our fragile mortality, and contemplate each of these questions. It could lead to strong, yet kind directives in letting your loved ones know how important they are to you, to the kinds of days you desire to have yet have been putting off, and to understanding that time is not up to us. We simply cannot control it. None of us should assume we have many years left to live the life we want, one that we can be proud of. It’s just not so. Live the same life you would now as you would in your later years, so that if you got hit by a bus today you’d know you gave it your all. Let this global pandemic be your teacher. It’s here at the front of the universal classroom. It’s speaking. Are we texting and checking social media, or are we paying attention to this colossal lesson that defies hemispheres, ages, ethnicities, and time zones?

I suggest just starting to ask yourself, and to begin to seek clarity about life by befriending the concept of death. We don’t choose to be born or to die. But we get to choose what happens in between those two events.

Veggie Burgers

How annoying is it when the veggie burger you order off a menu turns out to be super starched based?

For me, part of the appeal of plant based meals is to keep it clean and low carb. I’m not down with a bean, lentil, bulgar, quinoa, chickpea situation that’s unjustifiably so high in carbs. Why? Because it’s avoidable. A veggie burger can indeed be solid, delicious, fresh, and stay together when it’s made of actual vegetables. This one here was made from whatever veggies I was able to procure during these viral times. Sweet potato, eggplant, broccoli, and cauliflower would work great here too, as would fresh herbs. Improvise to create! I worked with what I had, added in pesto, sun-dried tomatoes, cornmeal, eggs, and seasonings. The results were excellent. Enjoy these as patties, over a salad, or as a burger with your favorite toppings. My friend Tanya has hers with melted cheese.

PASSOVER SUBSTITUTION: I imagine that swapping in an equal amount of matzoh meal for the cornmeal will do just fine. Almond flour should work well too. This recipe made a lot so I had extra to freeze in between layers of parchment paper.

Ingredients:
Play around using the contents of your fridge. Pretty much any veggie that’s good roasted can work. Here’s what I used:
A container of sliced baby Bella mushrooms
Two cups chopped kale
Asparagus
A white onion
A red and a yellow pepper
Yellow and green zucchini, one whole each
One whole egg, one egg white
Six sun dried tomatoes packed in oil
Two tbsp store bought pesto
1/3 cup ground yellow cornmeal
Salt, pepper, garlic powder

Set oven to 400. Chop all the veggies except the kale into 1 1/2 pieces. Place in a pan, drizzle with olive oil and season lightly with salt, pepper, and garlic powder. Roast until tender and fragrant, like 20 min. Lightly sauté the kale for a few minutes on the stovetop until a little soft and bright green. Set aside. No need to overcook anything here since it will all be baked later. When the veggies are ready, allow them to cool for a few minutes. Mix to release steam and moisture.

CHANGE OVEN TO 350. Prepare two aluminum pans with non stick spray.
Take out your food processor. Add the kale, veggies, pesto, and sun dried tomatoes. Pulse to combine. Textures and colors are essential here so don’t overdo it. Transfer the mixture to a bowl. Taste in order to adjust seasonings. I always start with less then add more. At this point I added 1/2 to 1 tsp of salt, 1/4 tsp pepper, and 1/2 tsp garlic powder. Do what tastes right to you.

Add a whole egg, an egg white, and 1/3 cup ground cornmeal. Gently mix to combine. Certain vegetables have a lot of water content (mushrooms, zucchini, eggplant, tomatoes) so add 1/4 more cornmeal if you feel your mixture is too wet. Gently form handfuls of the mixture into patties and place in the pan. Drizzle the tops lightly with olive oil. Bake for 30 minutes until edges start to turn brown. Enjoy in a variety of yummy ways!

Zooming In

 Times be craazzzyyyyy right now. No one knows wtf is going on. We are all doing our best at adjust, adapt, stay sane, and be healthy. The whole world seemed to change overnight, including how business is conducted. As we all know, Zoom meetings have taken over in full force. And though working from home can very quickly come to mean pajamas and old sweats, it’s still important to come correct in a business setting. With so many currently out of work, I feel extra grateful to still have meetings, projects, and prospects going on. Zoom doesn’t have to mean shlumpy, in fact I bet it will make you feel better to put yourself together. Those you are meeting with will probably really appreciate it too. It sets the tone that business still matters, and that despite physical distance, meeting members can still come together professionally. From the top that is. While I recommend looking good on top, take whatever liberties you want on bottom. What they don’t know won’t hurt them, right? You also don’t want to go too overboard since you are on lockdown. Authenticity is always key. It’s easier to connect with whomever when that factor is present. For this Zoom meeting I wore multipurpose black lounge pants, a button down, statement necklace that’s on the shorter side so it’s visible, top knot, and natural makeup. Any button down with an open collar and rolled up sleeves looks cool but chic. This is the perfect time to bust out that statement necklace you thought you’d never wear. Statement earrings would work well too, even a bold bracelet. Focus on what’s visible on the screen. Getting dressed for work immediately puts us in the right mindset. It also breaks up the day when life has suddenly become one big blur. Personally, any sense of structure or purpose now is good for my mental health. I obviously took these pics on my own at home, using the timer. They’re not perfect but they are real and honest:)
Wishing you all much health, peace, and happiness.

Listen to Step Into the Arena- Gang Starr

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Eggplant “Meat”balls 🍆

 J’adore meatballs! I no longer eat meat or poultry so I definitely have missed them. I wanted to tinker with a recipe using eggplant, as I’ve occasionally seen in restaurants (sigh, restaurants...soon...). Unlike most of the recipes I searched up, my version has much less breadcrumbs; I wanted to reduce the carb factor. Quarantine has certainly given us time to play around in the kitchen, so why not think of healthier substitutions? The almond flour I subbed in worked beautifully. These yummies are baked then simmered in tomato sauce for a hearty, delicious imitation of classic meatballs. Serve over zucchini noodles, low carb pasta, or quinoa if desired. Plain was how I devoured mine.

Ingredients:
Two medium eggplants, unpeeled and cut into one inch pieces
A chopped medium onion
Two cloves minced garlic
Two eggs
1/2 cup packed chopped parsley or basil
1 cup almond flour
1/4 to 1/3 cup seasoned or plain breadcrumbs
1/3 cup veg stock
Salt, pepper, garlic powder if not using fresh garlic, and smoked paprika (I’m sure regular is fine if that’s what you have)

Preheat oven to 375. Prepare two baking sheets with non stick spray and set aside. Chop the eggplants. Heat a large skillet with some olive oil (a tbsp) and sauté the eggplant with the veg stock until tender about ten minutes. While cooking, season the eggplant with salt, pepper, and garlic powder if using (I did). Stir occasionally. Transfer tenderized eggplant to a large bowl and cool for two minutes. Transfer to your food processor. In the same skillet, add a bit more olive oil and sauté the chopped onion until translucent. If using fresh garlic then add it for the last minute. I always add garlic last since it burns fast. If the pan is super dry add a couple tbsp more of the veg stock. Transfer this to the food processor too. Add the chopped parsley or basil. Pulse a few times to combine and put back into the large bowl. Taste the mixture and add more salt, pepper, and garlic powder to taste. Since it’s cooked you can easily taste as you go along and adjust accordingly. Add the smoked paprika, I just hand measured but I think it was a tsp. Add the two eggs, lightly beaten, the almond flour and breadcrumbs. Mix gently to combine. Form balls with your hands (yeah, yeah) and place on the baking sheets. Bake for 20 to 30 minutes until firm and dark golden brown around the edges. Meanwhile, simmer your favorite tomato sauce in the same skillet. After the eggplant balls are cooked, let them cool for five minutes, then carefully place in the simmering sauce with a spatula. Heat for ten minutes. Enjoy!!!!

Tough Love

What I imagine Source is saying to the world right now:

“Just stop. All of it. It’s not working.”

“You need a time out and you don’t know it, so I’m forcing you to sit in the corner. Do not move until you realize what you have done.”

“Disconnect”

“Connect”

“Understand fully that I made you all the same.”

“Please leave nature and the environment alone. Please. Give her time to repair.”

“Do not shut down your heart. Stay open.”

“Improvise. Learn how adaptable you are. Trust in yourself is required for this.”

“Help your neighbors. They breathe just like you do. Their needs are yours.”

“Share your gifts and blessings. Do not hoard your good fortune. Be a team player.”

“Make friends with fear by trusting Me.”

“Patience. Restraint. Acceptance.”

“I never said life was going to be easy, but I am certain you can do this. I designed you for this. I know your mechanisms.”

“I made you and am not abandoning you.”

“I love you enough to let you hate me right now.”

“Show me what I know you can do. I’ll wait.”

And so

And so She stayed home
And did yoga
And read
And meditated
And embraced stillness
And cooked nutritious foods for herself and her family
And called Her Ones, telling them she loves them
And appreciated nature
And took care of her body
And practiced her music

YADA YADA. These are things She does anyway on a regular basis. HOWEVER...
And so she embraced her curly hair
And let her nails be whatever
And googled recipes for matzoh pizza
And handed out custom cocktails of  vitamins for each child
And cleaned out neglected closets
And thanked herself for dropping the ball on her Denny’s camp appointment, since who  cares about matching Nike outfits right now  anyway?
And She fought even harder to find the stillness under the commotion, yet found it  every time.
And She cued up hundreds of songs that  had to be recovered on her laptop.
And She pushed Herself creatively, going full  steam ahead on all the ideas that have lived  within her for lifetimes.
And She felt awash with gratitude for her  zen practice, her teachers, and sangha.
And worried that despite this massive,  worldwide lesson, most humans will lapse  right back into their old ways and come to  forget this ever happened as soon as the airports reopen, herself included.
And She vowed to travel the world, even  alone if need be, after having been denied  access to anywhere beyond her house.

And She felt guilty about being amongst the fortunate in this upheaval.
And She felt so excited about her future.
And She emailed RZA from the Wu-Tang  Clan, because you never F ing know.
And She enjoyed every second of this  season of Curb Your Enthusiasm, and  wondered if she could ever be attracted to  Larry David (no). 
And She reread old emails from people,  some of whom are dead.
And She realized what in her life still needs  to be released, since now more than ever is  the time for editing.

And She knows it’s not that easy, even  though it is that simple.
And She thought about her life in terms of  before and after certain people and events,  not just Corona.
And She realized she’d trade none of it, even  the most painful parts.
And She thought about those who she  doesn’t know if she’ll ever speak to or see  again, for various reasons, and what that  means for her.

And She pondered about the punctuation  used in this post, since punctuation is a bit  of an obsession for her and she doesn’t  think she got it right.

And She questioned how if this lifetime will  be enough time to give what she needs to.  Because she is fairly clear on that, and it’s a  lot.

And She realized that the more she goes  inward, the more capable she is of going  outward. And that is why the journey inward  matters so much and is infinite.
And She realized that to waste a moment of  life on nonsense is truly a crime. But that it’ll  happen anyway (though hopefully less).

And She frantically searched up which Starbucks near her is open, because all this zen stuff goes out the window if she can’t have her iced skim latte.

And She understood that she should  ultimately die, whenever that is, having  been “completely used up”. A friend said  this recently and it felt right, as far as    squeezing every bit of herself, and wringing  out all the juice.

And She thought about her funeral, and her  death, and how blessed she is to have a list  of people who she shares hearts with. And  she began to write out her end of life  instructions, as part of her final zen project,  realizing the delicious serenity in this  exercise.

And she felt conflicted about her reaction to  her kids not wanting her to start her own Tik  Tok account, because she knows moms are  inherently embarrassing but isn’t she one of  the cool ones that can actually dance?

And She still acted like an idiot who lacks  perspective, because that’s what humans  do; we skip back and forth between  knowing and not knowing. Between truth  and illusion. Riding out the waves of an ever  present duality that is there to show us the  way home, again and again.

And She just Is. Because She just Was. And all that Is right now will very soon morph into Was too. And all that Will Be will have that trajectory as well; from Will Be to Is to Was. It all becomes Was.

It’s all changing. It’s all fleeting. Much of what we thought we knew is no longer fact. We are being forced to absorb this. Only the truth remains. You know what that means.

She loved writing this one.
She appreciates You for reading it.

Veggie Egg Bites

Made these healthy and delicious bites from ingredients I have at home. Now is most certainly not a time to waste anything. It is, however, a time to take extra good care of ourselves. This virus is a collective call for awakening, no doubt. We are being called to cleanse all our systems. Quality of life must be the goal, and that most definitely includes putting clean food into our incredible bodies.
Eat these for any meal or healthy snack. They make a bunch and freeze well. Use your favorite on hand ingredients. Play around with cheeses, vegetables, and seasonings. Fresh herbs are lovely too. Making two different kinds for a brunch is a gorgeous, impressive dish. Egg substitute can probably be used for vegans too!

Ingredients:
4 whole eggs
8 egg whites
A diced white onion
A cup and a half each of chopped asparagus, zucchini, and cherry tomatoes
Two cups cooked spinach
2 tsp salt
1 tsp each garlic powder, dried dill, and dried basil
3/4 tsp pepper

Preheat oven to 350. Spray a dozen muffin tin well with non stick spray. Sauté the spinach in a pan with some olive oil. Sauté the other vegetables in a separate pan. Add some vegetable stock by the tbsp as the pan dries up. I gave the onion a 2-3 minute head start. In a large bowl mix the eggs and egg whites. Play around with your desired ratio of yellows to whites. Whisk well. Add seasonings and combine. Add the vegetables after they’ve cooled for several minutes. Ladle into the muffin holes until the top. Bake for 20 to 30 minutes, depending on your oven. Check regularly after 20 minutes. Use a spoon to jimmy the egg bites out of the tin after they’ve cooled a bit. Freeze extras in an airtight container and heat as needed🥚🥦🧅🧄.

Listen to Don't Quit

Listen to Don't Quit (feat. Travis Scott & Jeremih) by DJ Khaled & Calvin Harris

Keto Brownies

I love these sugar free, low carb, keto cake, cookie, and brownie mixes that I found on Amazon. This is one of those recipes that I just tweaked to enhance. The mixes are good on their own but I wanted to share my semi homemade secret to healthy, rich, yummy brownies. I prefer to eat well all the time, but with the Corona craziness having my exercise studios closed, it’s important to treat myself extra responsibly at the moment. A few simple swaps and additions take this mix from basic to badass.

I swapped out the 3/4 cup melted butter for the same amount of melted coconut oil.

I added 2 tbsp of peanut butter. Add your fave nut butter.

I added 1/2 cup of Lily’s sugar free chocolate chips. You can also combine with your choice of nuts. Walnuts or peanuts would work great.

Instead of the 3 whole eggs I used one whole egg and four egg whites.

Combine all in a bowl with the mix and bake according to package directions.
 Self care is more crucial than ever. These are trying times. Please indulge; make and eat what feels good. For me, I love my treats with clean ingredients in sensible portions. Take care of yourselves and your families️.

Sequins Queen

I. Love. Sequins. I will never pass up the chance to feel like a shimmery human disco ball. Shop selectively for sequined pieces; they can be unevenly cut and drag sometimes if they’re weighed down. I have this pantsuit in head to toe navy sequins as well, but I loved the two tone look to add extra flash to NYFW. Gold and navy are a beautiful combo. The shiny sequins used on a tailored silhouette spoke to my love of fitted flair with a chic, classic shape. True story; I frantically texted my dermatologist, begging to have her inject a zit (I’m 42!!!) with cortisone at 8:45 am before heading out to an early fashion show. I showed up to her office in this getup. The entire staff was like, “Ok, you must be just walking in from a fabulous all nighter since no one puts sequins on at 8 o’clock in the morning”.  Hey, it’s 5 o’clock somewhere!

Adding to the fun of this look was a bright orange clutch patterned with horses. A statement suit needs follow through by accessorizing with personality and sass. This is one of those looks where you gotta go big or go home.

I wore this outfit to the Tadashi show and Fashion Hong Kong. Tadashi featured rich textiles and metallic colors. I felt like I was dressed appropriately for the runway in my sequined look.

Fashion Hong Kong is a series of international promotions organized by the Hong Kong Trade Development Council (HKTDC) to raise the global profile of Hong Kong fashion designers and brands. The designers were HARRISON WONG (Harrison Wong), HEAVEN PLEASE+ (Lary Cheung & Yi Chan) and SUN=SEN (Sun Lam). It was nothing short of brilliant and one of my favorites this season.

Listen to Party Monster by The Weekend

Love Letters 💌

Love is...
Someone seeing the cosmos within you (L)

When someone believes you can do absolutely anything (T)

That person who will hold your deepest places of shame without judgement (D)

The one who will listen to you say the same thing over and over and over with patience and understanding (S)

The one who will fight to snuggle with you (B)

Someone whose eyes fill with adoration by looking at you (Z)

That safe space of advice and guidance (E)

The one who has seen you grow up and appreciates the quirks, memories, and ugliness that is that process (A)

A force that makes you howl with laughter (Y and Y)

They who looks at you with the briefest glance and communicates an entire, often hilarious, observation (E)

The one who cares for and nurtures you when you need someone else to take over that job (S)

A giant hug in every way (A)

The power that heals you (S)

The one that covers you with a blanket so lovingly it brings you to tears (B)

That person who knows and understands when you need to be left alone (S)

Generous and abundant in every way (A)

Your teacher, mostly about yourself (E)

Your ultimate safety net (MMMMMM)

Total honesty (L)

The deepest source of imagination, passion, creativity, and raw emotion (L)

A place of refuge (K and C)

Fun as hell (It’s a crew)

Stillness (B)
Motion (S)
Fusion (Y)

Constant encouragement that comes from another seeing who you are now and who you can still become (T, S, E, L)

Your cheerleader and facilitator (J)

Knowing all of these qualities reside within you but are also needed from others.

That One who joyfully gifts you with all these qualities, as if they’ve been waiting their whole life to do so.

Vastness that puts you in this delicious bubble of being cherished and protected.

Impossible to list. It’s beyond description. It doesn’t need it. It defies the structure of words and letters.

Home.

Peace.

The only point to this whole dance.

Don’t Go

Recently I was visiting someone close to me who is terminally ill. It’s a very humbling reminder that even the strongest among us can be reduced to extreme frailty and vulnerability. I often picture myself in that situation, out of curiosity more than anything else. What might I look like, what might I regret, how I may soften or be stricter in the ways I feel I need to protect myself from harmful others who’d want to visit me.

The patient’s father was visiting then as well. The father got up to go to the kitchen, and the patient, despite overwhelming fatigue, said, “Dad, don’t go.” The father assured him that he wasn’t leaving. This brief exchange hasn’t left my mind in weeks. In the case where I’d be in my final stages, who would I instinctively want with me? Underneath all the layers of crap that we all carry around and identify each other by, whose presence brings me calm and peace? When I can barely think straight because thinking is too exhausting, who in my life would be my blind reach for serenity and comfort? Aside from my children, who are mostly still very young, I could not think of anyone. I currently don’t have a significant other, but as anyone with a shred of honesty will admit, having one by no means means that they gift you with true inner peace. Your spouse can make you feel lonely, your best friend can make you feel inadequate, and your family can make you feel alienated. There are no rules when it comes to roles. That’s why even though the exchange I witnessed was indeed between father and son, it took place based on real, truthful emotions. The son really did find comfort in his father being with him. It was heartwarming. It felt right.

 Since I do have a long list of very dear, close friends, it was surprising to me that I could come up with no one immediately. More than anything, this points to my instinctive tendency to isolate myself in the face of danger and vulnerability. This is something I have recently started watching, in order to identify the pattern and unlearn how that pattern will want to dictate my next steps. What was true in the first half of my life is no longer true. I don’t need the same responses since the scenarios are different. I have created a new reality for myself. Since childhood my large, crazy family rolled out one extreme betrayal after another. It was traumatic to say the least. No one was honest, trustworthy, or loyal. The attacks on children, the backstabbing, the flimsy alliances that were subject to change on a whim. It was emotional guerrilla warfare, the only term that aptly describes it. It was subconsciously ingrained early on to trust no one. I actually am a very trusting person in many ways, but there is that part of me that is emotionally self reliant. No family member ever provided me with peace, calm, and understanding. Well, one does...

My marriage gave me lots of gifts for which I’m deeply appreciative, but peace and tranquillity weren’t amongst them. When you are raised on a battleground you usually don’t just waltz into a scene from a Disney movie (and if you did you’d likely get the hell out of there since it would seem so whacked out unfamiliar. Like you couldn’t last there for two minutes. There’s that self removal and isolation I mentioned above). Regarding my friends who I love dearly, being with them is joyful, hilarious, honest, connective, and reliable. With them I am seen and loved. But I wouldn’t say that “serene” is one of the first words to pop up. Perhaps that’s because the concept of utter tranquility from another is one that I just haven’t encountered yet. It doesn’t occur to me because it’s foreign. I haven’t learned it. In discussing this with a close friend who I actually had thought about in regards to this topic of “don’t go”, he said “what about me?” It was heartwarming that he felt he could provide that for me/that I’d come to him for that. I answered that I did think of you, but I can’t see you sitting in one place for very long. People surprise us though at that stage of the game. Sickness and death can extract truth and reality like nothing else. There’s no more time and energy for pretense, for bullshit.
I actually went down a list of my close friends. I’m still mentally doing that. There are definitely a bunch who do put me at ease so why was my first instinct to not recognize that? I have become so skilled at providing myself with peace because I have had no choice; I don’t think to outsource that. That works only to a point because without letting others in we are screwed. My life thus far has been a confusing mess of who to let in and who to keep out. It’s likely, that out of a means of self preservation I was trained not to count on anyone anymore for matters of the heart. As with all else, inner reserve is a balance. We need to become so internally intact but not so much so that we don’t allow the right others to penetrate. After a few weeks I was indeed able to identify several friends that I might say “don’t go” to. This also taught me something huge about my future person. This person needs to be my go to for tranquility, my safe space, my home base. Otherwise there is no point. I don’t need someone to go to dinner or a movie with. I need someone who when I’m at my lowest place emotionally, physically, and mentally, when my logical faculties are shot and I am at my most stripped down, I reach for them like a warm blanket on a cold day. Someone who fills me up when I can’t do that for myself anymore. Maybe I was in that apartment at that specific moment to witness this blink and you miss it interaction. In order to think about this and to understand that peace and love are one in the same. They are fraternal twins born of the same embryo. They can look different but are inherently fused together forever. To truly and unconditionally love someone is to provide them with the enveloping breeze of comfort and stillness. In all of my various spiritual practices the goal is the same. To find that place of stillness and wholeness within our own beings. We are taught to find it because it’s there, with us all the time. When I can tap into that innermost part of myself I know that nothing is missing. It is the safest space. It’s that safety we feel from another that causes us to ask them to stay. There are no “shoulds” here. No mentally imposed ideas about who SHOULD be providing us with that type of comfort. That’s the beauty of these truthful relationships and connections. It can come from someone we just met. It’s all pure instinct, and instincts don’t need explanations.

Who in your life fills you with ease, peace, and comfort? It’s an important thing to think about. Start to make a mental list. I hope you’re on it. I hope others are too.

Smokey Tomato Soup

I love making tomato soup. When basil is in season in my garden I use that to enhance the flavor. During the winter, store bought basil is often expensive and it’s not something I have on hand. I do often have flat leaf parsley and dill. I made this batch of tomato soup this past weekend with creativity and ingredients I keep regularly. My recent love affair with smoked paprika resulted in a rich soup that tasted like I added a lot of roasted red peppers (which I did not). I also added dried basil and red wine vinegar to my onion and garlic sauté. These wound up being excellent undertones. The final special ingredient were two cans of roasted garlic chopped tomatoes. I like the Hunt’s brand. These canned tomatoes have lots of extra flavor; they’ve been charred and have been hanging out with chopped garlic. As always, I roasted the fresh tomatoes to bring out their full flavor before adding them to the soup pot.

Ingredients:
14 ripe plum tomatoes
6 cups vegetable stock
1 Spanish onion diced
3 large cloves minced garlic
Two tsp dried basil
Two tbsp red wine vinegar
Two cans chopped roasted garlic tomatoes and their juice
1 1/4 tsp smoked paprika
1 cup each packed chopped dill and flat leaf parsley, reserving some for optional garnish
Olive oil
One large dried bay leaf

Turn oven to roast setting on 400. Halve the tomatoes length wise and place in a large pan in a single layer, seed side facing up. Drizzle well with olive oil. Sprinkle with kosher salt and pepper. Roast until the tomatoes start to turn dark brown around the edges. Black edges are ok. Heat a couple tbsp olive oil in a large soup pot. Sauté the diced onion on high until very fragrant and golden. When the pot begins to dry up add the red wine vinegar and mix well. Add the dried basil, smoked paprika and garlic and sauté two minutes more until the flavors blend; you’ll know it by the amazing aroma. I like to add the garlic towards the end since it burns easily. Add the stock, fresh roasted tomatoes, canned tomatoes with their juice, fresh herbs, 1 3/4 tsp salt and 1/2 tsp pepper. I like to start with less of these and add more if needed. You can add but can’t remove! Mix well, add bay leaf. Bring to a boil, reduce heat, partially cover and simmer for 45 minutes. Stir occasionally. Blend with an immersion blender when done, first remove bay leaf. Adjust seasonings as needed garnish with some extra fresh chopped herbs if desired. This makes a lot so I just freeze to use as needed in the future.