And so
/And so She stayed home
And did yoga
And read
And meditated
And embraced stillness
And cooked nutritious foods for herself and her family
And called Her Ones, telling them she loves them
And appreciated nature
And took care of her body
And practiced her music
YADA YADA. These are things She does anyway on a regular basis. HOWEVER...
And so she embraced her curly hair
And let her nails be whatever
And googled recipes for matzoh pizza
And handed out custom cocktails of vitamins for each child
And cleaned out neglected closets
And thanked herself for dropping the ball on her Denny’s camp appointment, since who cares about matching Nike outfits right now anyway?
And She fought even harder to find the stillness under the commotion, yet found it every time.
And She cued up hundreds of songs that had to be recovered on her laptop.
And She pushed Herself creatively, going full steam ahead on all the ideas that have lived within her for lifetimes.
And She felt awash with gratitude for her zen practice, her teachers, and sangha.
And worried that despite this massive, worldwide lesson, most humans will lapse right back into their old ways and come to forget this ever happened as soon as the airports reopen, herself included.
And She vowed to travel the world, even alone if need be, after having been denied access to anywhere beyond her house.
And She felt guilty about being amongst the fortunate in this upheaval.
And She felt so excited about her future.
And She emailed RZA from the Wu-Tang Clan, because you never F ing know.
And She enjoyed every second of this season of Curb Your Enthusiasm, and wondered if she could ever be attracted to Larry David (no).
And She reread old emails from people, some of whom are dead.
And She realized what in her life still needs to be released, since now more than ever is the time for editing.
And She knows it’s not that easy, even though it is that simple.
And She thought about her life in terms of before and after certain people and events, not just Corona.
And She realized she’d trade none of it, even the most painful parts.
And She thought about those who she doesn’t know if she’ll ever speak to or see again, for various reasons, and what that means for her.
And She pondered about the punctuation used in this post, since punctuation is a bit of an obsession for her and she doesn’t think she got it right.
And She questioned how if this lifetime will be enough time to give what she needs to. Because she is fairly clear on that, and it’s a lot.
And She realized that the more she goes inward, the more capable she is of going outward. And that is why the journey inward matters so much and is infinite.
And She realized that to waste a moment of life on nonsense is truly a crime. But that it’ll happen anyway (though hopefully less).
And She frantically searched up which Starbucks near her is open, because all this zen stuff goes out the window if she can’t have her iced skim latte.
And She understood that she should ultimately die, whenever that is, having been “completely used up”. A friend said this recently and it felt right, as far as squeezing every bit of herself, and wringing out all the juice.
And She thought about her funeral, and her death, and how blessed she is to have a list of people who she shares hearts with. And she began to write out her end of life instructions, as part of her final zen project, realizing the delicious serenity in this exercise.
And she felt conflicted about her reaction to her kids not wanting her to start her own Tik Tok account, because she knows moms are inherently embarrassing but isn’t she one of the cool ones that can actually dance?
And She still acted like an idiot who lacks perspective, because that’s what humans do; we skip back and forth between knowing and not knowing. Between truth and illusion. Riding out the waves of an ever present duality that is there to show us the way home, again and again.
And She just Is. Because She just Was. And all that Is right now will very soon morph into Was too. And all that Will Be will have that trajectory as well; from Will Be to Is to Was. It all becomes Was.
It’s all changing. It’s all fleeting. Much of what we thought we knew is no longer fact. We are being forced to absorb this. Only the truth remains. You know what that means.
She loved writing this one.
She appreciates You for reading it.
