I recently read that having a business “introduces you to parts of yourself”. That really struck a cord in its truth. I can clearly say that since starting Lady Blaga I have grown increasingly aware of so many more ingredients in my own being. Being a student of this particular experience has been, and continues to be, one of the best lessons in unlocking my potential. I never thought I’d be in this position. My life was on a very formulaic course that was strictly linear and already mapped out for me; by my community, my family, my religion, societal expectations, and my upbringing. At a point, though I loved certain things about that particular existence, it really ate at me that my life was no different than anyone else’s. Even though I wasn’t sure on my vision for what an alternate way could look like, it became increasingly unsettling seeing all these different people living identical lives. Like the only differences seemed to lie in where people sent their kids to camp, and how they make their chicken soup. Little things like that buried the bigger things that I started to suspect were somewhere within. Especially in a God based environment, how could it be that we think were born just to return clothing at stores, get groceries, oversee homework, exercise, and work? Meaning, it had to be that we were created for something special, especially if we believe in the Genesis statement that man was created in God’s image. I never doubted that notion, but I personally had no evidence of it aside from the mythological birthing of man during creation. The more I meet myself the more I feel the truth of that. That we were crafted and designed in order to bring something special to the world. But we cannot bring or share what we don’t have. And we can’t have it unless we know it. And we can’t know it unless we start to look for it. And we won’t look for it if we don’t ask questions. And we don’t ask questions if we are complacent automatons. The inner rumblings have to start somewhere. In my case it started with someone.
When I saw Tzvia, my now manager, at a family affair several years ago, I had no idea what I was capable of. I was creatively pretty shut down, having had no outlet ever. Occasionally I’d write a poem or a speech for someone for their own family functions. I love to rhyme and wrote that way for decades. The blog is actually the first place where I’m writing in this form. It was really formerly all in rhyme. I always loved the challenge of that. I once wrote a ten page poem about someone I had never met. It was a 70th birthday party for the father of a friend. It was a joy to work on that. I asked my friend to describe her dad and I took it from there. I recall carrying my notebook around for days, jotting down rhymed couplets as they popped into my head. There was a time I thought I’d make a little business of that but I had no idea how, and I hated charging my friends for anything, especially something I loved doing anyway. Friends always urged me to start something but the infrastructure of my life didn’t lend itself to big dreams. I felt very small. For awhile I really wanted to write greeting cards. I’d have been perfectly happy with that then, just seeing my words in any sort of print. Imagining someone choosing what I wrote to give to someone on a special occasion made me happy. Back then that would have been enough. When you’re not in a state of expansion, the littlest things feel huge and plentiful. It can be sweet in a way, if that truly can be enough. I think writing amazing and popular greeting cards is actually awesome. Our job as individuals is to ask, seek, learn, cultivate, and share. It just is. We each have something important to contribute. Yours is in there too, I promise. I know it can be hard to find.
It took connecting with Tzvia to even half believe that my something even existed. My creative muscle had all but atrophied from lack of use, and my inner worth was wrapped up in things outside of me. I was disconnected from my essence in many ways. When she suggested I start a blog (not that I had a clue what that was), I think I said, “about what?”. I swear I had no idea what someone like me could possibly share. Fast forward three years to the Me now who hemorrhages ideas and excitement on a daily basis. I love creating, whether it’s a DJ mix, a recipe, an outfit, a mood in the home, a concept for a fashion line, a witty remark, or a piece of writing. I’m constantly gathering information from my surroundings then spitting it back out. I did the gathering part before but not the spitting. It was physically, emotionally, spiritually, and intellectually painful keeping all that in. My head and body literally hurt. We aren’t meant to lock anything up, especially our gifts. Something dies when we become one big storage facility. Through Lady Blaga I have learned so much about myself. It has been the biggest teacher for me in terms of learning what I can keep coming up with. Every time a shoot approaches, I have no idea what more I can possibly cook. Haven’t I used all my clothing already for looks? I don’t always have the energy and time to write another Inspire post. Yet out it pours, and when the shoot is over and the post is written I’m always invigorated. Making stuff and releasing it is freeing. It is the natural order of things to give, to ourselves and to others. Any form of limiting suppression turns to poison that kills the soul. The contacts and connections I have made through the music industry, the fashion industry, and the creative community at large have been incredibly uplifting. I am getting paid for a number of things that I love doing, which is still somewhat of a beautiful shock. I have soul purpose. I believe very much in the idea in Buddhist psychology that we are all “nobly born”. My ideas now have places to go where they are seen, heard, and felt. I have learned that I always have more to dig for, pull up, and give. I have learned to be patient and trust that the right opportunities will enter my life. This has helped me not take things personally or get frustrated if something doesn’t work out. I have learned I can be disappointed yet hold onto that trust anyway. My job is to keep going and improving so that what’s waiting for me can find me. I have learned that nothing can grow without seeds, that seeds take their time to blossom but that indeed they will.
So yeah, here’s my card. I earned the satisfaction of saying that. I never thought I’d have anything in my life to warrant having business cards. I work my butt and feel so grateful to love what I do. What that is exactly is still revealing itself. Perhaps the biggest lesson is learning to walk towards the Land of the Unknown. Along the way you’ll pick up belief in yourself and your vision. Go get You. Commit to being afraid. Be ok with the possibility of failure. Don’t be ok with never having tried. Don’t be ok with regret and a lack of self knowledge. Trust that God/Source/Universe put something inside you that the world needs.
