GG Veggie Lasagna 😋

The. Moment. Has. Arrived. I seriously almost passed out when I first taste tested my latest GG F Factor recipe. This is so good, so easy, and doesn’t feel dietetic at all. It’s a cross between lasagna and eggplant parm; what could possibly go wrong? Mangia without the guilt!

Ingredients:
12 original GG crackers
Marinara sauce
15 oz container part skim ricotta cheese
Bag shredded mozzarella cheese
One egg
Garlic powder, dried basil or oregano
A small to medium eggplant sliced lengthwise
Three yellow or green zucchini sliced lengthwise (both veggie unpeeled)

Instructions:
Preheat oven to broil, spray an 8x8 pan lightly with non stick and set aside. Slice the eggplant and zucchini into thin sliced lengthwise. Spread in a single layer on another aluminum pan that’s lightly oiled. I use the olive oil sprayer. Drizzle or spritz lightly with olive oil and sprinkle lightly with salt. Broil on top rack several minutes until lightly browned. When done set aside and SWITCH oven to bake at 350. In a bowl mix the ricotta, egg, a tsp each of the garlic powder and basil/ oregano, and 1/4 cup of the mozzarella.

In the pan layer marinara, 6 GG crackers, overlapping veggie slices, and ricotta mixture. Repeat. Top the last ricotta layer with marinara and the rest of the shredded mozzarella. Bake 45 min to an hour until golden brown on top. The layers cut so nicely and the crackers surprisingly held their shape. If I wasn’t already your favorite person, I think I am now.

Open Mind vs Open Heart

To mix things up, I’m not going with an open heart here. This time I’m letting the mind work for me in a way that it’s meant to serve me productively; by employing good judgement.

If you read these posts regularly then

A) thank you

B) you have read me yammer on about how I mostly live from my heart space instead of letting the monkey mind be the puppeteer.

I do abide by that philosophy most of the time. The heart is more open and instinctive while the head can really mess with you. Overthinking, under thinking, over analyzing, scanning the environment for reasons why everything sucks, you get the drift. The head is a tough place to live but a great and needed tool when we think and assess skillfully. As the famous quote says, “the mind is a wonderful servant but a terrible master”. Your mind is not you. It’s merely a part of you. It doesn’t have, nor should it, govern your entire being. So yes, while I have found that trusting heart based choices works for me often, I have been thinking about how when it comes to dating the mind may be more useful. At least in the beginning until the heart potentially takes over. I say this because I have been becoming less open minded in regard to romantic prospects. And I’ve gotta say it feels great. Why? Because as I continue to come into my own I am sharper on what will or won’t work for me. And I’m unapologetic about what won’t.

When I first began this journey I was so open minded. I wanted to give people a chance. I trusted the Universe to bring me what I need with much naïveté. I led purely with my heart. Guess what? I DID need all those experiences to lead me to this very point of being way less open minded. It’s time for rationale and judgement to help guide me here. Certain factors and circumstances just do not make sense for me and I’m not caving. I actually did something this morning that I’d never done before. I was approached, had a brief conversation about his current circumstances, and responded with that at the stage I’m at now, it makes sense for me to date someone who is much more settled in their home and divorce process. Previously I’d have never wanted to offend someone. I’d have “trusted” that this person was perhaps sent to me and I should give it an open minded try. I believe he was sent to me; to test me to see if I’m finally able to draw lines and set inner boundaries. Then he asked for my number to be friends(whatever) and I declined. I did say he could reach back out in a few months should he become more settled. I doubt I’ll hear from him and that’s totally fine. I felt good because I was able to mentally assess a situation and act accordingly in a way that articulated and honored my needs. I no longer feel I need to be so open minded. Not right now. Now I’m really closing in on what I have learned works for me. I’m open to the right opportunity but I’m using my heart for other things at the moment. The energy that lives there is precious. I work to keep it open and balanced but it’s not for everyone. I’ve got a really good head on my shoulders. It’s time to use it more discerningly. Judgement, the right kind, is a necessary means of survival. If life is a dance between the head and the heart, then I don’t mind letting my head take the lead.

Listen to Tory Lanez- Jerry Sprunger ft T Pain

Wonder Lady

This sleeveless Wonder Woman top was a cute find at Century. I’ve worn it with red silk palazzo pants to Fashion Week or with denim cutoffs. It’s one of those lil pieces that just brings me joy. I love sleeveless sweatshirts in general (hey, Jersey!). I could go the obvious cheesy route here by talking about female empowerment, how we are all wonder women , yada yada. But I won’t. It’s just a top that I just really liked that was well priced and versatile. By all means, extract whatever meaning you want to. That’s the wonderful part to fashion.

Carrot Dill Latkes 🥕

YUMMMMM. First of all, who doesn’t love latkes?? Secondly, who doesn’t love them even more as a much healthier version?? As delicious as classic potato pancakes are, they are essentially giant potato chips. With this carrot dill take on the traditional Jewish classic, there’s no reason for any yenta to deprive herself.
 

Ingredients:

Six large carrots, peeled, cut into chunks, grated in food processor
A cup of packed, chopped fresh dill
Four eggs lightly beaten
1/4 cup quinoa flour
1 tsp fine pepper
3 tsp garlic powder
1 tbsp salt

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Mix all well in a large bowl. Heat two frying pans with vegetable oil until very hot. Test with a small amount of the mixture. Carefully form the latkes and fry until golden brown on each side, a couple minutes per side. I use two spatulas to gently flip them. Drain in layers on paper towels. Carrots have moisture so you may need to add more flour by the tbsp as needed to keep the mixture bound together. This is totally fine and will be helpful. Enjoy these bright orange treats on Chanukah or all year round. Guilt free latkes; who knew??

All Numbers Derive from One

Hi, Friends. I was really impacted by both of these Instagram posts that I read the other day. One idea was a reinforcement from spiritual master Osho, and the other was actually quite a revelation. I love how cleanly and directly Osho lays that down for us, about necessary solitude prior to embarking on a relationship as a means of escape and avoidance of Self. It took me maybe two years post divorce to really believe that concept; part of me felt like I was saying that to myself to justify being single. I recall the open ended prospect of being single as scary. The not knowing when that chapter would ever end. The physical, mental, and emotional craving for a significant other, even an insignificant other, were so all consuming that I wanted to tear my hair out. The frustration was tremendous. However even throughout that hard time I always knew that I was being divinely guided. There was too much evidence in other areas of my life to ever lose faith that I was being led down the right avenues, even if I was being dragged kicking and screaming. I never had the “woe is me” attitude that so many single people immediately lapse into; self pity and complaining isn’t my thing. It’s also simply unproductive which doesn’t work for an Ayurvedic Pitta like myself who likes to plough forth. Fiery people don’t have time to bitch and moan. We’ve got stuff to burn through and alchemize. Over time the notion of being so secure in my Oneness really clicked. Space was required to meet that idea in a peaceful spot. “Yoga” means “yolk”; a binding together. It took time and many bumps along the way of meeting people whose frequencies didn’t work with mine to becomes yolked to what Osho means. It went from feeling like a justification to feeling like the absolute truth. So many people run blindly and desperately into the next relationship in order to avoid being alone at all costs. This is highly damaging to all involved for so many reasons. If I’m using a man as a means of avoidance or distraction, then he’s doing the same with me. It’s an unlikely scenario that one person’s unhealthy rebound is the other’s healthy bliss. We mirror our partners in more ways than we are willing to admit. I am so clear on who I am now, what I’m capable of, and how I want to carry myself in the world. This inner clarity has made me clear on the type of person that I want and need. I certainly don’t want a hot, avoidant mess and any man who has his shit together won’t want one either. Individual grounding is crucial to a healthy relationship. Your roots are your responsibility. Yes, the right partner helps you water and tend to them, but your solidity in yourself is your job. We have to be the person we want. Out of fairness but also to energetically draw in your match. So if I want a man who is grounded, secure, and at peace with himself, then I had to become that way too. And I have. That inner shift has been so juicy and liberating. The more time I’ve taken to learn myself, the more I have gelled with my soul. It’s not all pleasant. Getting to know, observe, and care for the shadow parts has been very tough work. But it’s impossible to be whole without that step. And if you’re not whole or at least trying to be, then you are offering your partner a bag of fragmented pieces that you most likely expect them to glue together. It’s actually really unfair and selfish. I don’t want to put someone back together. I’m not looking to date Humpty Dumpty, and not just because he’s bald and fat. I want whole so I had to become that first. I bless the time I’ve been given by Source to accomplish that. I’m being guided down a healthier path, one I resisted for a long time. Surrender feels nice.

Speaking of shadow parts, this quote by therapist Silvy Khoucasian in regard to dreams touched me big time. I am a very active dreamer, while both awake and asleep. Sometimes my dreams have been predictions that have come true, sometimes they’ve been visits from departed loved ones, and several times they have been about people I’ve had deep feelings for. I have always woken up from those dreams filled with painful longing for those people. Surely my dreams were pointing towards a part of me that still wanted to be with them. Our subconscious is always at work, so often what we dream about at night turns into daytime thoughts, then right back to nighttime thoughts. It’s a circuitous thought pattern that has us stuck in an old story that never reaches “Fin”. That unfinished movie can fool us into believing that our story with that person still has yet to be fleshed out. That maybe we are still meant for each other. At least that’s what I always believed until I read this post. Silvy’s Instagram account has been very helpful to me. It’s chock full of insights about both the individual as well as the couple. She very clearly outlines the various types of attachment styles, codependent behavior and where it stems from, and how to hold yourself while navigating throughout your personal reactivity. I encourage you to check out her page. Knowledge is power.

In doing so much shadow work and discerning between the dark and light places within me, it was so freeing to read this. I have indeed been identifying old versions of myself, picking them up, soothing them, and tucking them into bed forever. I know why they hurt and I also know those sources of pain no longer apply. But because our shadow parts have been deeply woven into our personalities since childhood, it is very difficult to pry them apart from who we truly are. Everywhere we walk shadows follow. They are interesting to look at on the sidewalk or on a wall because they are distortions of ourselves. They mix things up and show us different versions of what we thought we knew. We need the exaggerated scales of shadows to remind us of what we are in actuality. So too with emotional shadows. They are exaggerated distortions as well. They are there but they aren’t the truth. They need to be looked at, researched, and compassionately understood. Holding them gently is an act of self compassion for our past experiences. It is hard enough to see these shadows and even harder to let them go. They are so encoded. So perhaps when we dream about an ex or future partner, it’s a lit torch down the dark tunnel to where old selves lie like ghosts that still have a message. Persistent dreams of old yearnings can have nothing to do with the other person; they are just there to serve as a representation of what needs tending within you. This makes sense on many levels, mostly because true love isn’t this painful, unmet yearning. It’s quite the opposite. It’s easy, given freely in joy and abundance. It exists in real time and not in dreams. Relationships can be challenging AT TIMES (not all or most of the time!) but love is easy because it’s the most natural state. Dreams are important teachers, but maybe we misunderstand the lesson. I know I have. I haven’t dreamt about anyone else like that in awhile. But I will, and when that happens I’ll first look inward instead of automatically outward. All answers always lie within. Maybe we are puzzles that never get completed; there’s always a piece that fell under the table that we can’t locate. But it’d be crazy to not try to search for it after we’ve spent so much time and care creating the bigger picture.

1978

Ah, here it is; the annual Blaga birthday post. Unless you’re numerically challenged like me, you have figured out that I’m turning 42. My brother and I actually share a birthday. That’s always been one of my favorite random details about my own life. I am three years older than him, and us having been born on the same day is a unique fact. Unique is very good indeed.

My birthday always falls out on my kids’ winter break. This year we are in Panama. I feel a little spoiled that’s it’s become a given that these birthday posts are always being written from some exotic location. I’m a big fan of born day contemplation and introspection, and for me there’s no better place than nature to do that in. I am committed to traveling as much as possible with my children. I want to expose them to as many new locations as I can. They’re still a bit young for some of the trips I really want to take with them, so for now we mostly choose warm weather, beachy destinations. We seem to jive with a mix of sun, sand, water, activities and downtime. This year we are traveling with our best friends and it’s been terrific. Laughter and good times abound as it always is when I’m with this certain group.

I recall exactly where I was last birthday, in regard to my head and heart space. I know what my mind was enslaved to, what thoughts were on replay as we drove from one part of Costa Rica to another. I remember what had me so on edge and battling the anguish that I’d gotten used to. I don’t think I knew how to live without it at the time. I observe the movie of my life in fascination at what has transpired from 41 to today. I can barely recognize parts of myself and my life story at that time, and boy does that feel good. To be free of so much of my own bullshit and unconscious decision making tendencies. It takes a looooong time to get out of our own way, possibly never, unless we finally just wake up and say enough. I have done a lot of work this past year. I have gone on a few deeply cleansing silent retreats, joined a zen Buddhist group in which we focus on serious shadow work (we can’t serve others until we learn how to navigate and understand ourselves), worked my ass off creatively, stayed home most nights with my growing pile of spiritual texts, battled loneliness, impatience, and frustration, became a much stronger DJ, had creative business opportunities I’d never imagined would be a part of my reality, explored past lives with my energy healer, and traveled a lot. Through it all I have continued opening to trusting uncertainty, sloughing off outdated storylines and narratives, and have become increasingly comfortable with being single. When I first got divorced three years ago I gave myself a time limit of two years max until I at least had a boyfriend. I didn’t want to “sit on a shelf”. Um... sad statement anyone?? We don’t know what’s best for us but Source does. There is always a plan that we need to have faith in. The stronger my faith has become, the more satisfying the results prove to be. Relaxing into the unknown with an open heart, uncluttered mind, and a willing spirit is what allows us to meet up with the good stuff that’s waiting for us to claim it. God knew I was way more of a mess than I realized and knew that I needed serious time to learn myself and heal. Clean house.   Honestly, a boyfriend wouldn’t really have allowed for all my growth. Being part of a couple can be very distracting. Instead of looking inward we look outward. At them, at plans, at arguments, at making up, at pretending things are ok when we know they may not be, at being part of a unit instead of sinking into our own oneness. We attract what we are at any given time, so anyone I’d have brought into my life a year ago wouldn’t be the right person for who I am now. And I like who I am much better at 42. I’m so much less reactive, so much more emotionally independent, so much more curious, so much less fearful than ever before, so much more aware, so much more courageous, so much more present and spacious. I get asked all the time how I fit so much in. You know what? I just make room. It’s not that hard since the more expansive I’ve become by clearing out shit, the more room I naturally have for other things. I get overwhelmed at times but I have been able to incorporate what is ready for me. There’s more coming.

One of the things I’m proudest of as I take this next lap around the sun is my increased level of restraint. I had TONS of bullshit I had to finally just say no to. Dumb, useless, impulsive habits, unskillful thinking, codependency, fear based attachments, lowering my standards, chasing emotional chaos, believing love bombers, not respecting myself enough, overlooking reality in favor of idealized potential in others, not seeing the plain facts in front of me in order to will a different outcome, living in time zones other than the present. Just to name a few. At a certain point I had just had enough. One day you just decide. After years of ignoring things my friends pointed out because “it was complicated” or “they didn’t understand”, it was just getting stupid. I was wasting my own time and energy. These realizations can’t be rushed. We need to work through sludge to want to take a good, hot shower. But it was clear that I had to exercise self control in regard to many patterns, no matter how uncomfortable it was. My ego was raging at losing its predictions. The ego mind always fights hardest when it feels it’s losing its power. Simply put, we have to decide to do what’s good for us even if we don’t like it. Not liking it now will lead to loving something that’s better. Saying no actually feels good, after we get past the tweaking for the emotional drugs. Each time we do right by ourselves the soul smiles. Every wise and responsible choice makes us stronger. My yoga teacher said recently, “just when you think you can’t stand this position any longer, THAT is when the asana begins”. Just as we are ready to throw in the towel and quit, that’s the very moment we are being invited by Source to push through. We do not have to like it or be comfortable. Complacency breeds stagnation. So for me, having been all la di da with a boyfriend, I’d never have gotten to this point.

One of my favorite Led Zeppelin songs is Gallows Pole. One of the reasons for this is the mind blowing restraint that Robert Plant demonstrates with his vocals. There’s one point in the song where the crescendo is building then he unexpectedly pulls back. It gets me every time. And that slow build up is exactly what makes the song EXPLODE later on. You just have to be patient and then I promise, that burst of brilliance will hit you with euphoria. Restraint is important. Self control is a gift we give to ourselves.  Each time you say no you are really saying yes.   Denying ourselves junk food thinking is crucial. Giving up destructive cravings is the only way towards the life we know is right. Anything that even remotely lowers your vibration and pisses off your inner teacher is your higher self begging you to just stop. This process takes patience and kindness towards the shadow part of us that wants the fix. It’s ok to want, to hunger, to slip up, to hate the process. It’s not ok to be lazy about what it means to honor ourselves. How much time are we going to waste? Most of us are clearer on the answers than we are willing to admit. But we know.
  I am proud to be able to chart my growth each year. I am not some lonely chick sitting on a shelf who needs to outsource my worth; F that. I don’t want a junk food relationship just so I can have a boyfriend🤮. I feel less alone now than I ever have before because I am so much more in union with myself. Thank you, 41, you taught me so much during those twelve months. 42, let’s do this....

Listen to Nelly ft Kelly Rowland- Dilemma

Kale Salad Refreshed 🥬🥒🍐🥑

Who else feels like they’re running out of ideas for kale? It’s feeling like overkill but I’m still riding the 🥬train. Crunchy, green, packed with calcium, and it doesn’t wilt under dressing. Looks like this superfood is here to stay so let’s work with that. Like any good neutral style basic, kale can be layered with lots of deliciousness. It supports its toppings. For this last minute weeknight salad I really just chopped up what I had on hand that made sense. Persian cucumbers, pomegranate seeds, crisp pears, avocado, and roasted sunflower seeds are staples in my kitchen. All of these textures together lent the salad all the flavors and textures it needed. This may not be reinventing the wheel, but who the hell wants to do that on a random Wednesday??

Ingredients:

A container of chopped kale, a generous handful of pomegranate seeds, a firm yet ripe green pear or two, diced, roasted salted sunflower seeds (at least 1/3 of a cup adding as much as you like), a diced ripe yet firm avocado, three (or more) Persian cucumbers sliced into rounds.

Gently toss all ingredients with your favorite light vinaigrette. The flavors are so perfect here, there’s no need to douse them with an overpowering dressing. Just chop, mix, and let nature do its thang.

One Piece Wonder🖤

 Love my new black onesie so much! It’s a leotard like top with a harem style bottom. That’s literally my dream combo. This piece is great for that at home lounge look when you want to look yummy but put together (instead of the usual ripped sweats and ancient t shirt). I have worn this to entertain, to spend the day hanging with good friends and coffee, and have gone out with it with a cool boot and chunky, off the shoulder sweater. It’s delicious comfort all in one. I personally never wear athleisure (dumbest word still) unless I’m actually working out. It annoys me to wear that stuff if it’s not for the purpose it was intended for. It reminds me that I should be exercising instead of doing whatever, which just eats at me. I also can’t stand wearing anything skintight. I do yoga in pajama bottoms from Target that I roll up. I don’t like my legs to feel like sausages in casings. However, the right loungewear is something I can most certainly get with. This piece is great on its own or as a base to layer with. That’s my favorite; when a non assuming item can be creatively turned into an outfit. This lady is always finding ways to challenge herself. Versatility doesn’t mean complicated.

Skirt Steak and Garlic Bread 🥩🥖🍺

Another easy yet delicious favorite of my teenage son. Getting this child to eat only took about 12 and a half years; now it’s a pleasure to feed him. One day he had a group of kids over that I hadn’t known were coming. I quickly defrosted some skirt steaks, which are long and can be sliced, grabbed a bag of rolls from the freezer, and turned out quite a nice dinner for them. I soaked the meat in beer to tenderize it and infuse it with flavor. That’s a great trick. Adding sliced vegetables, sautéed onions , and assorted condiments (bbq sauce, grainy mustard) in little bowls can really up this presentation. Turning the rolls into easy garlic bread was a delicious enhancer. I served the steak and bread directly on the cutting board and the kids assembled their own sandwiches. Some moms still call me asking me what on earth I served that day/can we please have the recipe. Moms, this non recipe is for you! 
 

You’ll need:

Skirt steak, amount depends on size of crowd. I ask my butcher for lean skirt steak to eliminate the tough fat. He usually sends me a pound in one pack. The steaks are long. I think I’d a lot one pack to two people. You can definitely use extra slices of steak the next day in a stir fry with vegetables.

Bread rolls. I like pretzel challah rolls but any soft roll will do. I find the harder ones awkward to eat.

Garlic powder

A can or bottle of beer

Bbq seasoning

Oregano

Directions:
 Place steak in an aluminum pan and putt the beer over it to coat bottom of pan and halfway up the meat. Sprinkle the upside with salt, pepper, garlic powder and your favorite bbq seasoning. Let sit 20 min. Turn meat over then do the same thing. Now both sides get the chance to marinate with the dry and wet. Slice the rolls in half. Place cut side up in a pan. Drizzle with olive oil and sprinkle with a little garlic powder but more oregano.

Grill the steak on a very hot grill or stove top grill pan, flipping once during cooking. You’ll of course want your grill marks. Let steak rest covered tightly for five minutes. Red meat always has to rest to retain its juices. While the meat is resting, toast your garlic bread until light brown. Serve with the sliced skirt steak, bbq sauce for dipping, and any other accompaniments your peeps will like. Pickles, a variety of sauces, sautéed onions and mushrooms in cute bowls. You’ll be a kitchen rockstar and they’ll never know how easy it was.

Listen to A Boogie wit da hoodie- Swervin

And So It Is

To encounter the teachings of Baba Ram Dass is to finally come up for air, even if you didn’t know you were being held under water.

 I’m currently on day 3 of a five day Winter Solstice New Years retreat at Menla. Nestled in the valley of Panther Mountain in Phoenicia, New York. Right now it’s snowing and raining. I did something I usually don’t do; I skipped the afternoon class to stay in bed. I like the ten minute walk to the conference center and normally would insist my body get to where it’s supposed to be, mostly so I don’t miss any of the teachings. Dr. Bob Thurman, world renowned Tibetan Buddhist scholar, and Krishna Das, world renowned Kirtan chanter, are leading this retreat. Menla is the cobalt blue medicine Buddha, hence the name of this retreat space that’s affiliated with the New York City Tibet House. This is my first taste of Tibetan Buddhism. As is my way, I instinctively signed up for this after seeing it on Instagram. Bless you social media; you have tons of crap but also an infinite amount of valuable information that has truly expanded my life. I love you and I’m sorry it took me so long to get to you.

 While I’m really enjoying the coziness of my bed as I look at and listen to the mix of snow and rain, that’s not why I stayed back. I’m still marinating in this mornings offering from our teachers. What took place was not listed on the schedule. It was one of those unexpected events that will forever be imprinted in my mind and heart. I cannot believe my good fortune at having been able to participate. Bob led a Tibetan ceremony describing how the spirit of Ram Dass is passing from his physical body to the spirit realm. Ram Dass’s body is to be cremated tomorrow on December 31st, the last day of this decade. He died on the first night of Chanukah and the darkest night of the year. Always a metaphor for light. We were told in Sanskrit how he is currently in that transitory phase between human and spiritual. Many prayers were said about him, to him, and to the gods who are to welcome and absorb him. It was above all joyful and reverent, very different from the hysteria and grief that describes a Jewish death ceremony. It was riveting when we were told not to be attached to Ram Dass’s body since he isn’t. It was deeply moving hearing “Baba Ram Dass” over and over in Sanskrit. The ancient languages have a truly mystical quality. The teachings of Ram Dass have profoundly changed my life many times. They’ll continue to do so. His words and ideas hit me deeper and deeper with each new phase I enter. He has gotten me through incredibly difficult, overwhelming times. His voice is an elixir, his lectures and books are a sanctuary. Of course I didn’t know him personally, though I did enter a contest with the Love Serve Remember foundation to join his final Maui retreat three weeks ago. At 88 and in a failing body it was known he was going to die soon. But when his body finally gave out it was a punch to the gut. Just knowing he was here was a comfort. I know he’s still here but you know what I mean. That tangibility we humans think we need. My yoga teacher serendipitously sent me Be Here Now, his most famous book, as a gift two weeks before he died. That too has been a tremendous comfort. Books are my friends.  As soon as I heard he was gone in this form it was crystal clear to me why I was led to this retreat. I felt so guided. I needed to be with others who feel the same way right now. Who know what Ram Dass means.  Krishna Das was one of his original students in India in the 60’s. They were very dear friends. Bob Thurman was his student at Harvard when he was a professor there, and they knew each other from India as well. I look at this group from 60’s India with utter awe and lack of comprehension. I feel the exact same way about Led Zeppelin, my favorite band of all time. Like, HOW THE HELL DID A GROUP OF KIDS IN A BASEMENT IN ENGLAND COME UP WITH THIS?????  There is not a time I hear a Zep song without that thought. It is literally beyond any form of mental grasp. So too am I baffled at the depths of spirituality, love, teachings, and truth that a group of Western, mostly Jewish druggies soaked up from a guru in the hills of the Himalayas. Btw there’s a man here on the retreat who is identical to Maharaji, Ram Dass’s guru. Everyone, especially Bob, is kind of freaking out about it. I sat next to him at the first dinner. I could barely look at him, it was too weird. I may have come across as unfriendly and I feel badly. But if it is Maharaji then he knows I didn’t mean it:). KD was a disciple of Maharaji as well. The stories we have been hearing have been invaluable. I still don’t understand “we were looking for truth and meaning so we went to India”. India is a big place! To go there with no plan, no phone, no address, and no place to stay requires a level of faith, freedom, and desperation that somehow resulted in this magical combination for destiny. I cannot fathom what it must have been like to have been there. That time in history musically and spiritually was just unbelievable. What has emerged from these meetings in India has changed hundreds of thousands of lives. Many Jews feel this way about the Lubavitcher Rebbe, Menachem Mendel Schneerson. The Rebbe is believed by some sects to be the messiah. He was endlessly kind, warm, loving, generous, and could see inside minds and souls. He had access to other levels of consciousness. He turned no one away. Beings like this are rare of course. The more we have of them the better. Every group, religion, belief system, or non belief system (which is still a belief system) longs for truth and connection. The soul craves it. These special, divine people gift us with it. The rabid desire for truth and love is contagious. The first time Ram Dass met Maharaji, he was on a trek with a friend in the Himalayas. He came upon a man covered in a blanket sitting on a bed, surrounded by people dressed in white. His mother had died of spleen cancer a few months prior. The night before they met Ram Dass was outside at night looking at the stars and thinking of his mother. As he approached the guru he thought the whole scene looked nuts. He wanted to leave. He didn’t believe in gurus and this looked like a cult. Maharaji, whose name was Neem Karoli Baba, beckoned to him to come closer. He said in Hindi, “you were thinking about your mother last night”. Then, in English though he did not speak it, he pointed to his stomach and said “spleen”. Ram Dass, Richard Alpert, was in shock. To hear him tell that story is to hear him say that there was no way anyone could have known that. He never discussed his mother and hadn’t thought about her on that level until that night prior. “He could see inside my mind. He knew me”. Ram Dass said he had never seen such love, acceptance and compassion as he did emanating from this being.  So he stayed. The rest is history. Countless lives have been changed from that one moment in time, mine included. KD told us last night that in 1971 Maharaji declared Ram Dass a saint, calling him the Christ of the West. Ram Dass never claimed to be this, and was instructed to never discuss Maharaji once he returned to America. Maharaji of course knew he wouldn’t listen. Ram Dass lived the rest of his life teaching about the point of the human incarnation, and what can make it the most beautiful trip or the most miserable experience. He was pure light but was fully entrenched in his humanity. It’s so real to hear KD talk about how Ram Dass couldn’t stand the other westerners. They were stealing his guru, they were wannabes. I’ve heard Ram Dass say this too in his talks from the 60’s and 70’s. Those talks are better than any form of anti anxiety prescription medication.

 At the end of today’s ceremony Bob burned a beautiful picture of Ram Dass, saying we do this joyfully. There’s nothing to be sad about. His spirit is everywhere, he’s free from his aching body, and he’s not in pain so neither should we be. I was crying for obvious reasons but also because I feel like a failure. People like Ram Dass evoke tremendous hope and inspiration. We can be like this. The human ability to love everyone, serve everyone, and remember god is vast. I felt like shit because I am so not there. In any way. Yes I’m on a path but I get sucked back into the bullshit constantly. It’s very easy to feel enlightened when I’m at yoga, with my zen group, or on a retreat in the mountains. But then I’m back in the world and bam. There’s nothing really wrong with that; it’s the way we are built. But knowing what I should be and could be made me feel like I’m squandering this chance at life. The amount of times a day I judge, constrict, get annoyed, think about nonsense, get attached etc. I don’t mind knowing I have work to do. I just don’t know if I’ll ever really do it. I have lists of people I don’t like very much. How can I possibly “love everyone”? Ram Dass said that too, to Maharaji when he was told to embrace the other western devotees. His response was that he couldn’t stand them. This is one of the reasons Ram Dass is so relatable. He was right there in the trenches with everyone else. He did tons of drugs, participated in orgies while hallucinating, was fired from Harvard, and had to keep quiet at the time about his homosexuality. He had the same human cravings and attachments as the rest of us. But he came to know true joy, service, compassion, and connection to spirit and he wanted the world to know it too. No judgments, only love. He was the only American Baba (father),as declared by Neem Karoli Baba. He was chosen to do a certain job on this earth and he did the hell out of it. How many of us will be able to say that when we die?

 The wellspring of love, comfort and purity that is Ram Dass lives on. He is everywhere now. His heart is no longer contained in finite human form. A lot of miracles are about to happen this coming year and decade, just watch. A certain power has been unleashed. How blessed are we to be a part of that.

Sacre’ Couer

I was really struck by this Maya Angelou quote on courage. It was definitely an “aha” moment. I started to think about the word itself since I love etymology. I rightly assumed that courage stems from the Latin word “cor” meaning heart. Since I took French in high school I know that “couer” means heart, so French was the first association that popped into my head.

Next I contemplated how bravery only really exists from the innermost heart space. Courage, by nature, cannot be a superficial quality. Then it’s just false bravado which is laughably collapsible. Courage and love are so closely connected because they burst forth from a shared place deep within. It takes courage to love since true love requires really stripping away all your layers in order to connect with both yourself and another on the deepest level. If you can’t be brave enough to locate your own heart center then you can forget about someone else locating it. So too will you not be able to fully love someone else. Weed whacking our way through vast, thorny forests of shame, fear, delusion, shitty programming, and false belief systems indeed requires bravery and determination. It feels easier to just carry on in the ways we think we know, even if they don’t feel very good. To journey inward towards the core, the couer, takes courage. Aren’t words just fascinating?? The interconnectedness of letters and meanings, damn.

When I met my first life changing yoga teacher Stephanie, I was naturally giving her some background. I told her I was the first to get married, the first to have a baby, and the first to get divorced. I was just rattling facts that I’d always kind of associated with being an overachiever. She immediately came at me with, “well you’re a very courageous and brave person which is why you just go for it”. I had never once thought of my trajectory this way. Like never. She said this to me at our first meeting. Steph does not say things she doesn’t mean, which I realized quickly. It was the first seed planted that perhaps I should give myself more credit. Maybe the choices I’d made weren’t externally expected of me but had come from an internal place of courage. Over time, as I’ve plunged myself deep into svadhyaya/ self study, I have slowly allowed myself to see what she saw. This is evidenced by how many changes I have made over the past several years. True change comes from fierce dedication, determination, discipline, and consistency. This doesn’t mean we don’t falter and take some steps back, but the overall vision is clear. We fall then get back up again and again. This quote told me quite a bit about myself; that I must have courage since I am so consistent in many ways. Courage is like the ground floor on which all other factors of action rests. I have done a lot the past three years, and if Maya and Steph believe that’s because I’m courageous then I shall believe them. Knowing this has opened the gateway towards even more courage. Like love, bravery has endless room to expand. The heart space is just wondrous that way. At this very moment I feel both empowered yet daunted. I have so much further to go that it does seem scary. Can I really get there? Can I really do what I know I need to? Courage is not being sure; it’s being scared yet going forth anyway. And that is something I know I’m good at.

Bo’s Wings Two Ways

My 13 year old son and his buddies love these inexpensive and super easy wings. This is a monkey proof recipe that your humans are sure to gobble up by the dozen. My son even requested Wing Wednesday, the cooler cousin to Taco Tuesday. The secret to these are the simple two step cooking process; bake covered then broil uncovered. I serve these at barbecues, on game nights, and when I need to feed a group of carnivorous eighth grade boys.
   

Ingredients:

Wings by the dozen, depending on the size of your crowd. Your favorite bbq sauce. We like Sweet Baby Ray’s. Good quality teriyaki sauce. Garlic powder.
 

Choose your sauce, or make a dozen or two of each. The teriyaki were a huge hit this week! Wash and dry wings, removing any excess feathers (ew, no excuse). Place in a large ziploc bag. Add the sauce of your choice generously, then sprinkle in a good couple shakes of garlic powder or granulated garlic. Close the bag, then mush around and turn the bag over to evenly coat the wings. Let marinate for 30 minutes. Preheat oven to 350. Empty wings and marinade into a single layer in an aluminum pan, same side facing up. Cover tightly. Bake for 45 minutes. Uncover, baste, and flip wings over to bottom side facing up. Set oven to broil and broil UNCOVERED for a couple of minutes until wings start to get slightly charred. Watch carefully since broiling is very fast. Take pan out of oven, carefully flip the wings over to skin side up, baste again, then pop back under broiler until that side is well done and slightly charred too. If you like it more blackened like I do then leave an extra minute or so. I use tongs when handling the wings. This could not be easier and is hands down a middle school boy favorite!

Coat of Arms

I cannot say enough about the value of a solid coat. Most of my favorites have been keeping me warm for over 15 years. This black and white zig zag, double breasted, mid length works with everything. Formal, street, day, night, even black tie over a chic black dress or pantsuit. A well made, well selected, versatile coat can yum your bod for many years. It’s truly a great investment. The shape and feel of this particular style is a great, classic model to use if you’re in the market for multi purpose outerwear. Here are some versions of a longer double breasted style that you may dig. Extra points for finding that perfect loopy scarf and popping the collar with pride 🏻🧣.

$230 from Revolve

$89 from Macy’s

Let Them Eat Cake 🍰

Be not fooled by the cutesy emoji...
One of the most cutting but important Instagram quotes I’ve read is,

“when you are not fed love on a silver spoon, you learn to lick it off of knives”.

This is from poet and author Lauren Eden. Ouch. It’s a great analogy since love is food for the soul. It’s vital and essential for our nourishment in every single way. Each part of our entire being is designed to be fueled by love and affection. We hunger for it, and when not given it leaves an all consuming physical ache. Depression kicks in, the body starts to hurt in various places, sadness, loneliness, confusion, the works. It is indeed inherently confusing when we don’t receive proper love; it’s all the soul wants to be a part of so there’s an innocent “well, why not?” in response to that starvation. The soul is bewildered by the deprivation. It’s like asking a waitress for water and she simply refuses. You enter a restaurant, you sit down, you expect water because it’s the most basic part of a meal. Being denied water would be baffling. The same holds true for love, except in the case of the water you’d think the waitress was a nutty bitch. When we are starved for love the blame and judgment immediately turns inward. And in dealing with those who dispense love and attention in crumbs, it can take a lifetime to learn that said crumbs will not suffice. They won’t even make you feel moderately full. There is no true satisfaction to be found in such crumby interactions. But those of us that are delirious with hunger will not only initially gobble them up, but will be pathetically grateful for them. We will wait for the next tiny, unpredictable morsel because in that brief moment we were chosen to receive. The one doling out these slivers know what they’re doing. It’s not a prank, a punishment, or a mind game. It’s not about the recipient; it’s the need for their own crumbs. That egoistic crack hit of being so desired that all they need to give is just a drop. This is absolutely one of the worst parts of any relationship that contains codependent behavior. It speaks to the deep wounding and insecurities of both parties. A fully loving human would never think to dole out crumbs; they heap love willingly. It’s a joy to give affection. Tons of it. You never have to wait, beg, or take less than you want. As well, a full person on the receiving end would scoff at any measly offering and keep walking. Um... no thanks... I’m hungry but not for your shitty food. Of course what we order off the adult menu is usually what we were taught to want as children. You can have this but not that. You’ll get this amount but no more. You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Get upset?? That’s another post entirely. This does not mean these sliver cutting parents don’t/didn’t love their kids. Not at all. But as we should all know by now, love isn’t enough. It’s what you do with it that satiates another human being. The kind of delicious, nourishing meal that fills your belly and heart with warmth, so that all you want to do is fall asleep on the couch with a smile on your lips. Those us us that have had to resort to knife licking are smart in a tragic way. Our human blueprint will always have us adapting and maneuvering ways to survive. Food, water, air, shelter, human interaction, and love. We will bend and twist as a means of survival. We will hunt and gather using any means necessary. When you hear that people do “crazy things for love”, yes, it’s actually crazy what people will be driven to do in order to obtain love. That’s how badly we need it. We will do whatever it takes, as well as take the crumbs in times of maddening hunger.

Crumb offering and consuming can apply to any dynamic; amongst friends, spouses, romantic partners, parent/child. It’s not unique to any specific category of relationship. There are people with great marriages that let their friends treat them like shit. There are those who have terrible connections to their parents yet feel loved and held by a partner. I definitely know people who were loved well by their parents yet are barely emotionally functional as adults. There’s no formula that guarantees a delicious outcome. However the universal common factor is the need for love, to be seen, to be handled gently and respectfully, and to be genuinely heard. Almost no one has healthy relational dynamics across the board. There is often some messed up cocktail being mixed, served, and ingested somewhere. We will keep accepting drops of hatorade until it starts to taste gross. And the gift is in noticing the comparisons; this tastes good but that did not, this entree appeals to me because it’s a balanced plate, etc. With self study we get to radically sharpen our taste buds. No one else can do this for you. While that can be daunting, see it as a gift you can give yourself. You are capable of this.

I can write this post because I’m now looking at another menu. The old, stale choices are rapidly losing their appeal. I’m no longer starving so I no longer will spend one more second with anyone who won’t bring me water. Not only are crumbs no longer acceptable but neither is a slice. I want the whole freaking cake (just not red velvet; ick). Why am I no longer starving inwardly? Because I’ve done a lot of deep diving and unraveling over the past several years. Chaos is leaving my body, henceforth the craving for more of it is disappearing too. This is a sign of much healing and I’m proud of that. Crumbs are now glaringly obvious and not sufficient by any means. I no longer have interest in what was delicious prior. No one likes small portions, even if the food is bad. As I continue on my dating journey, it’s very gratifying to note the differences in who wants to feed me and at whose table I want to park my little SLT toned tuchus. Do I want desert? Fuck yeah. And no one eats dessert with a knife. Way too sharp a utensil for what’s supposed to be the sweetest part of the meal🥄🥮🥧.

That Jacket Though

The way a coat fits is everything. The right cut, fit, and mood of a jacket can seriously elevate an outfit. I’ve collected tons of coats over the years so when choosing one I usually pick one that enhances what’s underneath. I feel a little off if not. I prefer it if things flow together, and if I have a big selection then why not. These statement jeans from DKNY are so cool. Cropped, cuffed, wide legged with fun butt writing (just made that a thing). If I’m even a drop bloated I can’t wear these, same goes for the cuddly crop sweater. This is one of those outfits for when I’m not retaining water (does that actually ever happen??). I love this variation on denim and a sweater. The bandana and super chunky boots lend playfulness and gravity.

Everything about this jacket complements the other pieces involved. Classic black leather moto vibe with that delicious cream Sherpa lining. A large coat wouldn’t work with the pants; it could easily read as sloppy. The pants are the statement so the top items need to show mad respect. Support and do it well while knowing your place. Hmmm... can fashion be a lesson in our own behavior?

Listen to Ain't Sayin' Nothin' New by The Roots

Listen to Dire Straits Walk of Life