Instinct vs Trust

 I just finished this uproariously funny book. Do yourselves a favor and get it; “Intimacy Idiot” by Isaac Oliver. It is snarky, sardonic gay wit at its utmost observant and honest. The book is described as if “David Sedaris and Fran Lebowitz” had a baby. Um, DONE AND DONE. I don’t know if those names make you as excited as they make me, but let’s put it this way; I’d carry both their children. And they’re both very gay. Oliver regales us with tales about navigating the murky, whack waters of New York male single life, hysterical clips of his childhood, and poetic subway homages. In between the full bodied laughter convulsions, both in private and very much in public, there are bursts of seriousness and insight into the human condition. A topic, that if you read my shizz often, you know fascinates me.

As I’ve become a student of self study in order to reroute my life (you can’t take the car on a road trip if it has no gas and a busted tire), I am hungry for anything I can learn to further understand myself. There is almost nothing as gratifying as when I hear the wonderful feedback from my readers, telling me how helpful and supportive my posts are. I write for myself as well as for you. Equal parts journeying within while simultaneously reaching out. This is why writing to share feels like a complete relationship for me. It’s perhaps why the sad, crappy poetry I wrote for years wasn’t satisfying. I do have some poems and lyrics I’m proud of, but it’s all pretty much stuff I’d never share. And I’m a sharer (duh).

One of my favorite lines in the book is about a going off the rails Grindr date he’s on. The other dude was trying to “get him to comply” with certain things that Oliver was resistant to, with good reason. So an argument ensued. The date was trying to pitch “you can trust me, follow your instincts”, the reply to which was, “instincts are immediate, trust is revealed with time and evidence”. I don’t think I have ever really distinguished the two. I was struck with the difference and how accurate that sentence was. At a time in my life where I am constantly striving towards honing both instinct and trust within myself, this is a crucial piece of information. The first step to self knowledge is well, actual knowledge. This is very applicable to my new dating life. Since I am a connector, I will almost always have great initial communication and chemistry with a guy. I am a champion conversationalist and such an optimist. Not a blind optimist, though there are times where I’m missing things that should be clearer to me, but as I always write about, I fully welcome what the universe places in front of me. So I give it my all. I am learning that while my instincts tell me a man looks like incredible relationship material, I cannot yet trust that to be the case. That indeed must be revealed with time and evidence.

I have met men who have wanted to use me as a reality show storyline, men who lied about their professions (seriously???), men who freaked out because they had their own trust issues, and men who are intimidated by the fact that I’m a strong, multifaceted, driven woman. Er... too bad, Loser. Keep moving. I have had good instincts about each and every one. I was incorrect. While I was right about the energy ( I am an energy ninja), both time and evidence in fact revealed these dudes could not be trusted with me or my life. It’s a tough pill to swallow. It makes me feel vulnerable and mishandled. I usually feel bummed, whether that lasts weeks or five minutes. The wallowing is decreasing big time, since time and evidence has in fact proven that I do know who I can trust; God.

Last night I was supposed to go on a date I was excited for. Several circumstances caused him to cancel, and I was upset. That night I instead attended a high profile corporate event a friend was hosting. While there, I found the one empty chair and in five minutes became BFF with this incredibly successful, connected woman. She immediately wanted to hire me to DJ her upcoming 50th birthday party. Since I hadn’t gone on the date, I was in the right place and time to meet her. Things like this blow my mind. The proof is here, my Friends. Give it time and you will get your evidence. Honor your instincts, yes. They are so special. They tell us when we are in danger. They confirm when we are madly in love. But they aren’t enough. They are partners with trust. The two components are like the Odd Couple that take up residence in your gut. Get to know them both, then introduce your gut to your heart. Stay on a course that travels upward, and open your third 👁. Stay in alignment by working to keep all these channels open and connected. It’s the most important work you’ll ever do. Ace your self study. If you fail, ok. You’re human. Success only exists because failure does too, otherwise there’s no marked differentiation. But fail with the purpose of making corrections to kick ass next time.

I believe in you. ❤️, Me