What a wonderful world

This post is definitely bringing the holiday cheese, but it’s truly how I’m feeling at this very moment. It’s Sunday night, and I’m coming off of a packed day with the kids. We haven’t been so out of the house in almost a year, and damn, it felt good. Normally this time of year is spent wrapping up our travel plans for winter break. This year is the first time where we will be home for the kids’ vacation. They’re understandably bummed about it. They have grueling dual curriculum schedules, can’t really hang with their friends, and can’t really go places. With the new strain of the virus now spreading in New York, I have increased stringencies. I truly feel for children across the world. Their craving for socializing is healthy and natural, and this pandemic has demanded so much from them. I am fine staying home this vacation. I attribute that largely to mindfulness practice, but also because home for me is a place to practice music and create via various mediums. It’s a place of enjoyment and expansion.  It’s also where I work out and take care of my body, relax, read, binge watch good tv, blog, and feel held in my space. I genuinely like being home. I love when my kids have zoom days; it’s been nice having them around. There were many years in which I recall very clearly not being this comfortable and fulfilled in my space. Those were hard times, and that is a very common feeling, especially among women. I also recall times where feeling trapped inside would have driven me insane, which points to me having needed to feel in control. When we feel stuck it is a direct invitation to investigate the origin of that. The answers are different for everyone. Presence and mindfulness practice have greatly enhanced my adaptability; I have become practiced in flipping my perspective, regulating my nervous system, and accepting what is directly in front of me.

Santosha is the Sanskrit word for contentment. In zen, the teaching is to be with what is, without drowning in the negative or positive emotions associated with the current experience. To feel all the feels without a strong attachment to them. Eckhart Tolle teaches presence in the way of asking if we are conjuring up past troubles or future worries; most often, a turbulent mind fogs up the okay ness of the present. Mooji would teach acceptance by emphasizing that we are not our personhood, but rather the limitless, unwavering essence that is entirely separate from the human body mind. Obviously I’m oversimplifying all of this, but learning this information over the years has no doubt strengthened my ability to be more present and flexible. There were many years where I’d have been complaining endlessly at not being able to take a winter vacation. I needed the predictability, something to look forward to, and the distraction of planning, packing, and worrying. I also recall feeling at one point a scary level of awareness about all that.  It was unsettling to realize that I needed a trip that badly. Why wasn’t I as satisfied being home? Yes, a change of scene and routine is important for obvious reasons. But I’m referring to a general feeling of discontentment that almost every woman (and man) I know struggles with, but that a tiny handful are willing to admit. Those that can admit this are my tribe. When we are out of alignment within ourselves, for whatever the reason, we are disconnected to our surroundings. Therefore, it’s not the trip one needs; it’s the escape. And that escape is extremely temporary. It’s a whole lot of money and planning spent not just on a vacation, but potentially on an illusion. Travel is incredible. I can’t wait to get back to it, believe me. But as my grandfather used to say, “it’s good to go away and it’s good to come back”. He was a Holocaust survivor who I’m sure loved every free day of his life. Home, away, it was all good. If we can’t be content in our own homes, beings, and lives, that’s a major sign that demands attention and a kind curiosity. It’s scary, it can open a Pandora’s box for a lot of people. But, exploring that can lead to very important shifts in living. The box stays closed, you coast. The box opens, you live. The choice is always there. 

Taking it back to the top, I had such a great day today. We spent it doing classic New York holiday activities, ones that we wouldn’t have done had I been in a packing frenzy. Ice skating at Rockefeller Center, walking around the new FAO Schwartz, and the spectacular Bronx Zoo holiday light exhibit. I felt warm and appreciative all day, and no plane or suitcase was needed. This isn’t revolutionary, but find me someone who doesn’t need reminders to enjoy and appreciate what’s right under their nose. I love New York. People from all over the world flock here during holiday season. We LIVE in one of the most famous vacation destinations on Earth. When Trump said during one of the presidential debates this year that New York “would never recover”, I was livid. What a horrible thing to say, as leader, to your citizens. That their beloved home, one of the prides of this country, is shot to shit. How disheartening, depressing, and discouraging. It was a terrible thing to say, and he was wrong (duh). All day today I thought, New York is still kicking ass and being a place where there is so much enjoyment to be found. I haven’t been to Rockefeller center in years, nor the Bronx Zoo. I’d certainly never been to the incredible light show. And it’s all right here as it’s always been. I just needed to shift my focus to finding joy in what’s already here. 
The music at the ice rink was great, so too at the light show. It was so festive and cheerful. Old fashioned enjoyment in a world that’s always reaching for more and more modern technology. The grasping never ends, but mindfulness really helps with that. “What a Wonderful World” was playing as my kids happily skated around. Kids need so much less than we think they do, and the same goes for healthy adults. Enjoying traditional holiday pastimes today was priceless and warm, and the lyrics touched me deeply. 

And I thought to myself, what a wonderful world indeed.

Sweet and Salty

This title is an ode to comedian Fortune Feimster’s hilarious Netflix special (a must watch), but also to the different elements in this look. I’m loving my faux leather pants, which you’ve seen me wear in two colors lately. I’m finding them to be so versatile, and I’ll definitely be using them through spring to show you various ways to use them. As always, my goal is to repurpose what I already own (which the occasional new item sprinkled in). What I’m really into with this look is the combo of strong and soft, with the powder blue sweater (Top Shop) adding some sweet feminine sparkle to the harsher look of the pant. The black heeled booties can take this outfit straight to dinner (sigh, restaurants...) or a business meeting. Since my hair is pulled back, the side detail on the sunglasses (vintage Prada) adds a fun facial pop. This look is chic and sexy without being too much in any one department. Leather pants need not be tight and constructing in order to make a statement. The right mix of sweet and salty always achieves equilibrium, in life and in fashion.

Listen to Thompson Twins - Hold Me Now

Let’s Talk Beyoncé

So this is in response to something I storied about this week, in regard to my occasionally hearing that I seem to have it easy. A friend once actually did say, “you make it look so easy”, and I have heard variations of this over the years. On the one hand it’s a compliment, but on the flip side it can feel like I’m seen as putting up a front, as well as leaving me feeling quite unseen emotionally. I have never been one to exist in a space of denial or hide my feelings. Since I began the blog, I have certainly been as open as possible (while maintaining my privacy and boundaries) about numerous challenges and struggles. So it was objectively curious to me to ponder why despite my openness, it still comes across as if I’m sailing through life. I truly appreciate these remarks, I know they are intended to acknowledge some sort of grace, strength, and competence. That really means a lot, given all the challenges I have indeed endured. I can absorb the compliment because nothing about my life is fraudulent. Whether you know me from here or in my life as a closer relationship, I believe I’m known for my honesty and transparency. I have always been told I tell it like it is, a phrase that makes me wary; if “telling it like it is” is noteworthy, it can’t be that common. So too with me being told I’m “Out of the box”. Again, why is the typical life “in” the box? Shouldn’t everyone be “out”?

I have gone down a Beyoncé rabbit hole lately during those addictive Instagram scrolls. She is a true soul force of womanhood, creativity, power, feminism, femininity, beauty, and crazy courage. She performed live with Prince at the age of 22. She is an extraordinary talent who is clearly gifted with brains, looks, nutso vocal ability, and wild rhythm. She is also known for being the hardest working woman in the music industry. Yes, she has all these extraordinary gifts, but she also has extraordinary discipline, commitment, work ethic, and vision. She is a mix of natural god given gifts, and the dedication to honing them. By doing so it is clear she takes nothing about her craft for granted. I have seen her perform three times. What she emits can blow your mind. Looking at her it is very easy to think it’s, well, easy. Gorgeous face, gorgeous voice, gorgeous body, infinite money, a beautiful family. She’s got it all. Plus, she seems like a genuinely awesome person and mother. We don’t pay much attention to the unfathomable work and discipline that goes into what makes her life seem so amazing, even though there have been documentaries and numerous interviews in which she seems pretty darn honest. Take her album “Lemonade”. It was about an alleged affair Jay Z had, the pain and rage it caused her, the heartbreak and confusion, and the ass kicking strength she used to piece herself back together. It doesn’t get more honest than this, and yet the impression is that everything is perfect. It’s widely known that her father, with whom she was very close, fathered a child out of wedlock. Bey has been through plenty of shit, including a painful miscarriage. And this is just what we know. To clarify, I am NOT comparing myself to Queen Bey. However, as I mentioned in my story, I too have a level of honesty that is both rare and therefore seen as courageous. Unfortunately, most people are so petrified to be truthful about themselves, their lives, their crushed hopes, their foibles, and their vulnerabilities, their depressions and disappointments. So much gets hidden, ignored, and covered up under the guise of “ease” and “perfection”. Ironically, no one discerning buys this act. I have learned that dishonesty always reveals itself. It seeps out through the cracks, and is seen in how people age physically, behave emotionally, and interact energetically. Putting up that easy breezy front is exhausting. It zaps all of one’s energy. I know many people like this, and almost all of them have a major physical ailment. They look terrible. They might not be talking, but their bodies are. Being bold and honest is a much easier way to live. Secrecy is far more difficult. It eats away at, and corrodes, everything. Being truthful indeed requires bravery and a certain level of confidence. I believe it’s chiefly those two things that make a life look easy. So the question really isn’t , “why is my life so easy?” but really, “what about the way you may be living is causing you such inner hardship?” Again, the easy or difficult energy originates from within. It has very little to do with externals. Beyonce matches her external gifts with an insane amount of inner strength and power. She is aligned. Alignment feels easy because it’s truth.

Although Beyoncé is a far more interesting subject than me, I suspect you’re here because I am somewhat of interest to you (thanks!!). I can tell you that I have always been a positive person who has made, or really tried, to make the best of things. This is due to my nature, innate composition, as well as it being a coping skill. Granted a productive coping skill, but a coping skill nonetheless. I have always found great joy in many things throughout my life, have always been a hard worker, and have always been one who loves to have fun. I’m not shy, feel comfortable in social situations, and have the gift of gab. I have really always found ways to enjoy my life. I adore being a mother, love to cook, laugh, write, and dance. However, anyone who thinks divorce is easy is ignorant. My difficult family history is well documented, especially by me on this platform. I have had a chronic auto immune disease since I’m 13. And those are just a couple of examples of really hard things. No life is without hardship. It’s how we deal with it that determines our aura and quality of life. I take keeping my vibration high very seriously. I fiercely believe in the powers of manifestation, which can only be done from an open space of presence and gratitude. I listen often to Abraham Hicks, one of the leading teachers on this. I listen, I process, and I practice. I falter then get back on the horse. By doing this I have learned to trust myself, my process, and particularly Source/God. When we know we are being held, life really is much easier. It’s like this set of magical training wheels that are permanently attached to the cycle of life. Believing this, and believing it more and more since I committed to the most actualized version of myself, has indeed led to increasing inner ease. This feeling of trust, ease, and surrender is what invites blessings into our lives. We have to be in a state of receptivity, which comes from knowing we deserve it. I did not always know I deserved it. It took decades to learn that, and to unlearn what was stopping me from believing it. It is so much easier to go with the flow of life now that I know that. The goal is never to live an easy life. That’s a recipe for failure because it’s impossible. The first of the four noble Buddhist truths is that life includes suffering. But when we meet our suffering with acceptance, radical honesty, trust, and are able to locate a small spark of joy amidst the rubble, then we have hit a sweet spot.
Oh, and laugh whenever you can. Laughter is easy.

GF Oatmeal Blueberry Cookies

A cross between a cookie and a muffin top (the good kind), these cookies are bursting with fresh blueberries and hearty oats. They contain no white flour or white sugar, and I even lessened the monk fruit sweetener by adding in unsweetened applesauce. These yummies made lovely breakfast treats during the holiday season.

Ingredients:
1 stick softened vegan butter (or regular)
3 tbsp monk fruit sweetener (white sugar sub)
1/3 cup unsweetened applesauce
1/2 cup packed light brown sugar
1 tsp vanilla
1 large egg
1 1/2 cup old fashioned rolled oats
3/4 cup your preferred gluten free baking flour (or almond flour)
1/2 tsp baking soda
3/4 tsp cinnamon
2 to 2 1/2 cups fresh blueberries (I used the jumbo)
Optional cinnamon sugar mix to sprinkle on top before baking


Preheat to 350. In a medium bowl with an electric mixer, beat the butter, brown sugar, monk fruit sweetener, and vanilla until well combined. Add the applesauce and egg, combine again. Scrape down the bowl and add the oats, mixing.

In a small bowl, mix the flour, baking soda, and cinnamon. Add dry ingredients to wet, mix until just combined. Fold in the blueberries gently. Form your cookie by shaping the dough into 1 1/2 inch balls. Flatten just slightly with your hand. Sprinkle with cinnamon sugar mix if desired. Bake for about 14 minutes, until the edges are golden brown. Let sit for 5 minutes before transferring to a wire rack. Store in between layers of parchment paper. Seen here is my grandmother’s antique cookie tin:).

**most cookie recipes say to use ungreased baking sheets. Even with my silpat liners I don’t trust this (which is likely silly of me), so I always lightly grease. I’d be pissed if I had to lick stuck cookies off the baking sheet, though I’d obviously do it.

Listen to Teena Marie - Square Biz

Scarfing it Up

Love me an oversized, yummy scarf. It’s literally a wearable blanket. I love large scale pieces in general, and this recent winter purchase does not disappoint. Cozy accessories enhance my coat collection, thereby keeping things fresh and fuzzy. I love the large scarf contrasted with the cropped, fitted jacket, but it would’ve looked great with my oversized boyfriend coat too. Gray jeans and red shades add depth of color (enough with all black) and a much needed pop of... something.

Vegan Potato Latkes

Same look, just eggless. I didn’t realize I’d left out the eggs until the entire batch was cooked, and I had successfully taste tested two. These are delicious, and leaving out the three eggs surprisingly didn’t make any difference. So pleased to be adding these vegan latkes to my latke series, which I believe includes 7 different takes on this traditional classic. Oh, and these happen to be gluten free!

Ingredients:
9 large Idaho potatoes, peeled and cut into chunks
3/4 cup gluten free flour (I used a bean, tapioca mix) or all purpose regular
A Spanish onion cut into large pieces
1 tbsp kosher salt
2 tsp ground black pepper
2 tsp optional garlic powder

Directions:

Heat one or two large frying pans with a generous amount of vegetable oil. I leave on low while I’m preparing the rest.

Put onions and potatoes in a food processor. Process until it’s an even mush. Transfer to a large bowl. Add flour and seasonings. Taste, adjust as needed. Drop large spoonfuls of the mixture into the very hot pans, raising heat to medium high. Working with two spatulas, flip until deep golden brown on each side, I’d say three minutes on each side. Add flour by the tbsp or 1/4 cup as needed, if the mixture gets too wet. Drain latkes on layers of paper towels.

If using sweet potatoes, omit the garlic powder and sub 1 1/2 tsp cinnamon.

A Light Unto Other Nations

The amount of hatred that has risen from the shadows of the world, has been nothing short of staggering. As the granddaughter of Holocaust survivors, I am surprised that I’m surprised. Having grown up constantly (and I mean nonstop) discussing the horrors of the Holocaust and anti Semitic behavior, it would make sense that I expect it. One one hand, part of me does, and I have spent countless hours (years?) theorizing why Jews are so hated, blamed, and deserving of the hateful bile the world throws at us. Defending us will never be cool. Muting for us on social media will never be on trend. Rappers, pro athletes, musicians, actors, government officials, and my favorite; college professors, seem to have unlimited license to disparage us, blame us for the world’s ills, and stay silent as we are continuously attacked, blown up, gassed, shot, beat up, and threatened. Self proclaimed warriors of social justice who “fight for peace”, are themselves mute when it comes to condemning anti Semitic acts. Helpful hint; if you are one who needs to self proclaim anything, you’re most likely trying to convince yourself. Genuine people don’t need to work to fill a role, since they’re too busy legitimately walking the walk. Perhaps my favorite social justice warrior samurai move, is where they flip our own painful history on us by comparing us to Hitler and Nazis (which is ironic because such a comparison is Hitler’s worst nightmare. Cue grave rolling). There is no other race I can think of where this would be considered acceptable. Imagine taking any group of people that had suffered tremendously, and drawing comparisons between the victims and their oppressors. Kim Kardashian got slammed for wearing cornrows. SLAMMED, and she’s a wife and mother to African Americans. If a hairstyle can be deemed offensive due to it being seen as cultural appropriation, how is it ok to condone gas chamber t shirts? By the way, if said hairstyle is an area of sensitivity, then I completely respect that. It is any group’s right to own their pain. We don’t have to understand it to abide by it. Sensitivity, kindness, and respect are essential parts to any relationship. We must sacrifice our own egos for the sake of any healthy relational dynamic. My point is, is that if the world is now focused on how people are offending via hair, it makes no sense to turn a blind eye to actual evil, dangerous, threatening, and hateful acts of vandalism and murder. Let’s just say we have horns and tails, are akin to vermin, have caused all the world’s financial problems, and are the reason the Middle East isn’t yet a peaceful, utopian society. Does that mean it’s ok to shoot us, blow us up, destroy our places of worship, run us over while we are trying to light a menorah, or deface Anne Frank?? How does disliking us justify what you see below, which is a drop in the bucket. Are our children deserving of threats and attack? You don’t have to like me, that’s your choice and karma. If you want to spend your precious life weighed down by darkness, go for it. But don’t use your own feelings as an excuse to dissolve into a vengeful demon and harm others. It’s simply a recipe for failure on a “people” level. Liking? Optional. Actively harming? Nope, not acceptable. Silence while others actively harm? Just as bad (where’s your bullhorn now? Out of batteries?).

So while one part of me, admittedly the Jewish part, has come to expect anti semitism, the soul part of me is still taken aback. The soul is only love. It is pure, innocent, complete, and unsullied. It cannot relate to hurting others, and so it’s blindsided by evil. I am deeply grateful to be a human who does not want to hurt others. I really don’t and never have. I truly want to help. I take my job as a human being seriously, and the more I uncover my soul force, the more driven I am to contribute positively. Each time I’ve experienced an opening personally, I have felt it directly connect to how I want to exist in the world at large. Included in that is my discomfort with the notion that Jews are the Chosen People. It feels elitist and separatist, and sounds like we are better than everyone else. It is a story we and the rest of the world seem to need to cling to in order to explain both sides of the argument: why we have outlived insane amounts of genocide and persecution, thereby having more staying power than so many of the mighty, advanced nations that have died out, and why we make anti semites so uncomfortable. They cannot fathom our survival, our thriving, and our commitment to living. We must be chosen in order for any of this to make sense. If we are chosen by a higher power, rendering us untouchable, the world can do and say whatever they want, right? FYI, even if you personally aren’t vandalizing Anne Frank or making Auschwitz jokes, that doesn’t mean you aren’t anti Semitic. It just blows my mind that in a year in which accusations of hatred and racism were thrown around, the subject of Jewish hatred hasn’t made the approved list of what’s necessary and important to talk about. The only word for it is hypocrisy.

However, and for me this is a big “however”, we have a choice. As always, we have a choice as to what we are going to do with hate. We have agency and power in deciding how to respond to anti Semitism. Can it go away? Of course. Likely? Sadly, no. Humans, unless they are at peace and at one with their sovereignty, will instinctively look for a scapegoat. Jews are the go to scapegoat, and have been throughout history (make up your minds; are we disposable vermin or powerful magicians?). Hurt people hurt people. This is a fact. And unfortunately most people walk around filled with their own pain, and exist in their own individual hellscape. Unless people heal themselves on an inner level and work to free themselves from hating themselves, hatred towards others will remain. This is the human predicament, and I can only control my own response to hatred, violence, and fear. The Hebrew term “or la goyim” translates to us tasked with being “a light unto other nations”. I wasn’t comfortable with this either, because it too felt elitist. However, during our Festival of Lights, in which we were mercilessly attacked for simply celebrating our story of survival, I have come to frame it differently. Jews have always lit menorahs as symbols of light, to serve as tangible reminders that light can illuminate the blackest darkness. One light is more powerful than an army of dark forces. One light as a beacon for a ship that’s been tossed about on dark, violent seas. One fire to warm a family that’s been cold for so long. One match is indeed a miracle to anyone needing heat, direction, and light. For all of us, slipping into darkness is much easier than returning to the light that is our nature. I was so inspired by all I heard and read, from our rabbis and leaders in response to these despicable acts during Chanukah. Each one said that we must not let the darkness of hatred overcome the light of love and strength. We must show that there is another way, no matter what is being thrown at us. This is the Buddhist way as well, and the way of Christ. Love must be stronger than fear, and fear is what gives rise to hate. I now understand “or la goyim” as an opportunity to demonstrate the human capacity to live by this principle. Not because we are better, but because we can. Somehow, against all odds, Jews have tapped into that. THIS is why we have survived, not because we control the banking system. You can choose to hate me, and I can choose to respond with light. I don’t have to like you, but I refuse to add more hatred to this world. I can choose to love the inner light we all share. We will always be bound by soul force, whether we know it or not. I know what internal path I have to take regardless of external circumstances.

May the light of my inner teacher continue to guide me in my actions, thoughts, words, and deeds. May that be so for all of humanity. If we can breathe we can choose.

Gluten Free Lemon Olive Oil Cake 🍋🍋🍋🍋

I fully admit to being very confused by the concept of an olive oil cake. I tried this as a nod to the recent holiday of Chanukah, in which olive oil is the star of the show. This cake has Limoncello, a fun detail. The cake came out extremely moist, and I recommend making it the day before serving, so that the oil can settle a bit. Olive oil is obviously far healthier than butter, and there is no white flour or white sugar in this cake. It’s also dairy free. Regular flour and sugar can certainly be swapped in for the gluten free flour and sugar replacement.

Both my adult friends as well as my daughter loved the results. It sliced beautifully and needed no glaze, since it was sweet enough. I’m very excited to share this with you as part of my “cleaner indulgence” series.

Ingredients:
1 and 1/3 cups extra Virgin olive oil
3 large eggs room temperature
1 and 1/4 cups oat milk (I used Chobani extra creamy)
2 tbsp grated lemon zest
1/4 cup fresh lemon juice
1/4 cup Limoncello
1 and 1/2 cups monkfruit sweetener, the kind that subs for white sugar
2 cups plus 2 tbsp gluten free baking flour
1 and 1/2 tsp kosher salt
1/2 tsp each baking powder and baking soda
Optional confectioners sugar for dusting

Preheat oven to 325, since this recipe calls for slower baking. Grease a 10 inch springform pan very well, all around. Cut a piece of parchment paper to line bottom of pan. Grease paper.

In a large bowl, mix olive oil and eggs. Add the oat milk, lemon juice, lemon zest, and Limoncello. Mix well.

Add in monk fruit sweetener. Whisk to incorporate.

In another bowl, mix the flour, baking powder, baking soda, and salt. Add to wet mixture and combine, don’t over mix. Batter will be thin.

Pour batter into the SPRINGFORM (pan type matters here). Put the cake pan on top of a baking sheet to catch and oil that might seep out; you don’t want to smoke your oven. Bake anywhere from 65 to 75 minutes, checking after an hour with a toothpick (which should come out clean with some moist crumbs). It’s normal for a darker golden brown spot to form in the center. Let cake cool for an hour in pan, then release sides and transfer to a wire rack to finish cooking. Fresh lemon slices and berries make a pretty garnish, and a light dusting of confectioners sugar certainly never hurts.

How to Write a Forgiveness Letter // Ten Percent Weekly

I was sitting down to write this week’s Inspire post, and decided to check my email first. This was the first email I saw. I know that my writings on hurt and forgiveness are some of my most popular topics, since it’s something every single one of us struggles greatly with. I have Buddhist teachers who even after studying and practicing for decades, still have a very hard time with forgiveness. Forgiveness is like all other human dances in duality. We are meant to be born and to die, to be small babies who become tall adults, to laugh and to cry, to take in food then eliminate it, and to sleep and wake up, just to name a few of an infinite number of examples. We exist in an often very confusing and overwhelming world of juxtapositions and opposites. Perhaps the biggest, most underlying one is that we were created to live with an open heart, yet we are constantly contracting, closing our hearts in response to pain and hurt. It feels so heavy mentally, physically, and emotionally because we aren’t meant to carry around closed hearts that trap pain inside. That’s why release feels so good; because just as we are designed to instinctively close up to protect ourselves from hurt, so too are we designed to pry ourselves back open again. It’s really the only way to liberate ourselves from those heavy chains. I know that forgiveness is scary and frustrating, when we see it from a place of condoning the actions of others. Personally, I have realized recently that early on, I had to learn to condone, excuse, and rationalize the hurtful actions of others as a survival skill. That made me sad, though I welcome the awareness. I know that forgiveness can feel like throwing ourselves to the wolves, but it can really be done on a very private level. The one who hurt you never has to know about the steps you are taking to free yourself from past pain. I thought this letter writing idea would be helpful to many of you. You can do it on your own time, in your own safe space, and no one else ever has to know. It’s something you can try over and over until it starts to feel organic, and tiny cracks in the armor around your heart start to reveal themselves. I suggest burning the letter after you’ve written it, as a symbolic gesture of burning away the past. One thing I have a hard time with is the “they tried their best”. I don’t buy that; it’s very easy to cause massive amounts of emotional destruction, then shirk yourself of any accountability by throwing up your hands, declaring, “I (we) tried our best!”. Sorry, that doesn’t feel authentic to me at all. It feels extremely dismissive and easy to claim, which only compounds the wounding. What I have been able to say though is, “they hurt me terribly. They did not try their best. But I forgive them anyway to free myself from the past”. I want my Present. I want my Future. I don’t want my Past keeping me from the greatness that is both now and still to come. Forgiveness is one of the most important things you can commit to giving yourself. Don’t rush it, but gently and consistently work on it. You deserve the highest quality of life, and an open heart is needed for that. You can do this because contraction and expansion is our emotional makeup. Fight for your expansion every single day of your life. Please remember to write letters of forgiveness to yourselves as well, if there is shame and guilt you need to work through. We all have things to forgive ourselves for, and many of us are truly trying our best. We all live with shame. We have let ourselves and others down. It hurts. We can learn and liberate simultaneously.

Let’s crawl out from those dark spaces together.
Dear Reader, You got this. Love, Me

Ten Percent Weekly
December 20, 2020 // ISSUE 180

Writing a Forgiveness Letter

by Sonja Lyubomirsky
 

2020 is, at last, almost over. With the turning of the new year, many of us are looking for ways to renew ourselves, even if we can't celebrate in the usual way with our friends or extended families. One way to let go of grudges and resentment, even if you can't do so in person, is to write (but not send) a forgiveness letter.

Now, psychologists who study forgiveness use a definition that differs a bit from the popular one. Forgiveness is not reconciliation—that is, it does not necessarily involve the re-establishment of the relationship with the transgressor. Forgiveness also does not mean excusing or explaining away the offense. And "forgive and forget" is a misnomer. It doesn't work that way.

The most important aspect of forgiveness is that it is something that you do for yourself and not for the person who has wronged you. Empirical research has revealed that forgiving others makes us less likely to be hateful, depressed, hostile, anxious, angry, and neurotic. We are more likely to be happier, healthier, more agreeable, and more serene. We are better able to move on. In empirical studies, people who forgave others felt a greater sense of control over their thoughts, less sadness and anger, and less reactivity in terms of their physiological stress responses (such as lower heart rate, lower blood pressure, and less furrowed brows). In other words, the bodies of participants who practiced empathy and forgiveness experienced less stress, and yours could too.

Easy to say. But forgiveness can be extremely challenging to carry out. That's why I've taught many of my students to write—but not send—a forgiveness letter. Here's how to do it.

1. Imagine Empathy

The first step is to imagine what forgiveness might feel like. Identify a particular person whom you blame for mistreating or offending you. And then, perhaps in the context of meditation or simply on your own time, engage in an imaginative exercise, during which you imagine empathizing with the offender and granting him or her forgiveness. Trying to feel empathy involves viewing the situation through the offender's eyes and ears, seeing them as a whole person rather than defined solely by the offending behavior. Again, this does not mean excusing or tolerating the offender's behavior; try not to get caught in questions of right and wrong. Instead, it's about letting go of your hurt, anger, and hostility and, for your own benefit, adopting a more charitable and benevolent perspective.

2. Embody Forgiveness

Next, as you imagine yourself granting this person forgiveness, turn toward your own thoughts and feelings. If you've trained in mindfulness, this should be familiar territory. When you imagine yourself forgiving this person, what emotions do you feel? What does your facial expression look like? Which physical sensations arise in your body? Try to experience these sensations in the exercise, even if it feels you are faking it. The more embodied your experience of forgiveness is, the more likely it is to have real and lasting impact.

3. Write the Letter

After the imagination phase, actually sit down and write a forgiveness letter to this person. Describe in detail the injury or offense that was done to you. Illustrate how you were affected by it at the time and how you continue to be hurt by it. State what you wish the other person had done instead. End with an explicit statement of forgiveness and understanding (e.g., "I realize now that what you did was the best you could at the time, and I forgive you").

Here are some real-life examples I have come across from a variety of people who have successfully forgiven using this approach:

I forgive my father for his alcoholism.

I forgive my freshman writing teacher for telling me that I couldn't write.

I forgive my boyfriend for not being there for me when I got depressed.

I forgive the guy who rear-ended my car.

I forgive my wife for having an affair.

I forgive my brother for humiliating me in public.

I forgive my friend for using me.

The second one is mine.
You may have a hard time writing the forgiveness letter. You may believe that the act is unforgivable or that the person doesn't deserve to be forgiven or that you are too overwhelmed by negative emotions about the event even to begin to think about letting it go. If this is the case, put the letter aside, and try again in a few days. Or perhaps choose another person (or act) to forgive, one that is a bit less painful; starting with an "easy" forgiveness exercise might be best. You can move on to more and more difficult cases with time.

4. Do not send!

After you've written the letter, see if you can let it go. Remember, again, you are not sending it—try to resist any temptation you may feel to do so, since that shifts the focus away from yourself and toward the other person, which is not the point of this exercise. You've said what you have to say; now see if you're ready to move on. Sometimes, you will be. Other times, maybe not—in which case, see if you can try to ruminate less on the feelings of hurt or resentment.

Finally, make forgiveness a habit, as you would a prayer. Even if the first time you do this exercise is difficult, it will become easier with time. Forgiveness is not a talent that you either have or don't have. It is a skill that takes a great deal of effort, willpower, and motivation. It must be practiced.

The effects can be profound. Nelson Mandela was once asked how he was able to forgive his jailers who had locked him up unjustly for 27 years. He said, "When I walked out of the gate, I knew that if I continued to hate these people, I was still in prison."

Listen to SHE'S A BAD MAMA JAMA - Carl Carlton

Same Top, Take Two

if you read last week’s style post, you’d know that I was working off the concept of packing for a (covid safe), drivable weekend away. The key to successful short trip packing is to take a few items that have multiple uses. This cropped, olive green turtleneck sweater is the perfect, purposeful piece for winter. Last week I used it for a car trip outfit, here it’s being worn for a chic daytime look that can easily transition to a cozy dinner. The warm tones from head to toe pair well, and who doesn’t love a solid pair of riding boots? The coat matching the sweater pulled it all together, a nice optional detail. Faux leather jeans (these are from J Brand) can easily be dressed up or down, and are a fresh change from classic denim. After spending an insane amount of time at home in sweats, it feels great to cure my cabin fever with some legit fresh air and actual clothing. Civilization isn’t dead yet, People. Stay with me.

Holiday Lights

I was fortunate enough to have been led to ascension teacher Lori Ladd. This particular message felt so appropriate for Chanukah, or whichever other holiday lights you may be celebrating. I heard this the other day, and it symbolizes the miracle of Chanukah, in which one small amount of oil lasted all eight days, enough to light the menorah of the Holy Temple. Just as one small jug of oil was powerful enough to spread light and warmth longer than anyone thought possible, so too do each of us have that capacity with our own inner light. No one can ever take away what you are made of, ever. The light in each of you is so powerful, and is meant to illuminate the world. Don’t take yourself for granted. Don’t believe anyone who tries to dim you. You have an inner reserve that can outshine any negativity or lack vibration. You are here to shine brighter than you ever believed to be so. I encourage you to check out this message from Lori, and others that she shares. I have found her immensely uplifting and insightful.

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXxn1HpP2HYaRjgqf1MXx0A/videos

Two Way Turtleneck

Let’s pack for a drivable winter weekend getaway, shall we? These next two looks are centered around my turtleneck sweater, a cold weather staple. Pairing it with this super comfy, yet structured, sweats ensemble makes for the perfect cute travel outfit. Tight jeans on a plane or in a car? No thanks. The oversized cardigan sweatshirt acts as a blanket as I’m riding shotgun. Each of the pieces you see here, shoes included, have multiple uses during said getaway. That’s the trick to packing for a few days away; pack minimally and aim for each item to have at least two uses. One special piece for a fabulous night out is needed too, but that’s on hold for now (a slip dress and a mask? Again, no thanks.) What I love about this outfit is the pulled together yet effortless feel. It’s polished, but in a soft winter way that evokes coziness. Hot cocoa is the only needed accessory.

Listen to Going to California (Remaster) · Led Zeppelin

Lockdown Latkes

Otherwise known as Carrot Parsnip latkes:). So thrilled to add on to my latke series from years past. There are quite a few interesting variations on the blog, I must say. This take on the Jewish holiday classic is a low carb, veggie based way to jazz up your repertoire. Don’t get me wrong, the classic potato pancake needs zero improvement. But I know that there are many of us who appreciate a healthier way to partake in tradition. Serve plain or with sour cream or homemade applesauce, which is one of the very first Jesscipes ever posted.

Ingredients:
A large Spanish or regular onion (or two medium) cut into quarters
Bag carrots peeled and cut into two inch pieces
8 parsnips prepared same as carrots
Tbsp kosher salt
2 tsp fine ground pepper
2 tsp EACH turmeric and garlic powder
1 1/2 cups packed, chopped fresh parsley
6 eggs
1/2 cup brown rice flour

Put onions, carrots, and parsnips in a food processor, until all is broken down cohesively into a mixture. If it gets dry during blending, add some olive oil down the shoot of the machine to moisten, this will keep the mixing smooth.

Transfer the mixture to a large bowl. Add all other ingredients and mix well. Fill two large frying pans with a generous amount of vegetable or canola oil. Heat on med high until very hot but not smoking. Test with a small amount of the mixture to see if it’s hot enough to fry.

Prepare a platter or aluminum pan by lining with paper towels. Keep paper towels on hand to place in between latke layers to drain excess oil. To make latkes, form a generous amount of the mixture with your hands. I then place each mound on a spatula to slide into the hot oil, and I work with two spatulas to turn them over. TIP: have extra flour on hand to add by the 1/2 cup as needed, as the mixture gets wetter. I had to do this several times, to keep the mixture dry enough to keep its shape.

Fry each latke until golden brown on each side, about 4 minutes per side. Place on paper towel lined platter or pan. This makes a lot, so I suggest freezing extras to have throughout the holiday. The turmeric adds a wonderful golden color that I just love, as it evokes the symbolism of light that is so meaningful to Chanukah.

Daisies and Denim

Florals are still new for me, and I’m coming to love them, especially when contrasted with roughed up jeans. It’s a nice mix of a neutral classic with prettiness. This lovely Love Shack Fancy top made the outfit on its own. All the other pieces are there to support it, with cool, grounding vibes. I loved bringing this very feminine shirt down to earth. Ripped and frayed jeans and mini cowboy boots can lay the groundwork for tons of fabulous looks. I don’t have one of those long, beautiful ponytails that I dream of, but this little pony moment also added a nice touch of casual, to offset the puffy sleeves. This look can work all winter, with a long sleeved floral top. Layer a chunky cardigan over when it’s really cold.

Discernment vs Judgment

This is something I’ve been pondering this week, discernment vs judgement. Recently I found myself in a really hurtful situation, in which someone close to me said some terrible things. It was very frustrating and did not at all feel in keeping with my idea of friendship. It goes without saying that friends can disagree, but this was not a healthy, safe space for that. It instantly became this other person attacking my character, making cruel and inaccurate assumptions, saying very nasty things, and immediately putting me into this strange box. It was an awful experience. While friends can certainly disagree, they should not disrespect. I have many friends; none of us speak to each other the way I was spoken to in that conversation. I am blessed to have friends with whom I can be brutally honest, and they with me. This was just brutal. It was the cause of immediate separation, something none of us need help in creating. Isn’t it fascinating and sad that we don’t need any assistance in the departments of judgement, self righteousness, separation, and isolation? Humans are eerily adept at the harmful stuff, myself included. We need much more help when it comes to healing, achieving harmony, and healthy approaches. At any given moment we are responding to any number of circumstantial stimuli. When we don’t pause, we often react foolishly instead of responding wisely. Wisely never means weakly. It’s a delusion we have been taught; that reacting with loud, brute force is strong. Actually, acting on impulse is far weaker than responding from a place of grounding and empowerment. Point being, when someone starts to bite your head off as soon as you don’t agree with them... well, you do the math. Just like how when we let our egos run wild by criticizing others who have the audacity to ruin our versions of reality, that too is us operating from a place of reactive disempowerment. Screaming is weak whereas silence is strong because it is confident, calm, rational, and not seeking to add harm. It can be hard enough to be locked into an uncomfortable disagreement with someone; it makes it hella harder to pile more cruel criticism on top of the already burning heap of discord.

This was a tough one for me, on several levels. It’s always very hurtful when someone you consider a close friend is really mean. To be attacked with bitterness is not something I recognize in my close, healthy friendships. It’s a tough pill to swallow when we are forced to see the other person, as well as our dynamic with them, in harsh lighting. Often times truths are revealed and the connection can’t be fully repaired. Loss is involved, and grief at learning that someone can flip a switch on you simply because your opinion differs. When you feel understood by someone and they suddenly become committed to misunderstanding you, it truly is a loss. Friendships and dynamics have to be re-evaluated.
I have become very practiced in reevaluating relationships in my life. It’s a classic protective mechanism that has overall served me well. It’s a myth that we have to remain in any interpersonal dance, no matter how lousy it feels. Self betrayal, ignoring our feelings and physical reactions to the people in our lives, and needing to “take the high road” is bull crap. Who ever decided that being a doormat who eats shit is equivalent to grace and taking the high road? Weakness is rolling over out of fear of re-evaluation, which may lead to scary changes. Strength can reassess and shift, because it knows that WE are the constant in our own lives. Granting access to ourselves and our lives requires serious emotional boundary setting. We are all precious. Not everyone can just bang down the door and trample into our lives. We can say no at any time. Sometimes the no is momentary, in the case of those who we love and who are in our lives permanently, and sometimes the no means we say a quiet goodbye to the relationship. Friends are a choice. They should enhance your life and make you feel good, period. As soon as a friendship feels unsafe, toxic, and tinged with icky stuff, we can choose to remove ourselves.

So where did the judgement come in for me? Well, my mind started going off the rails immediately, out of self defense. The ego mind is here to protect us. It will do this by mental retaliation. This person is this, is that, at least I’m not like them because they...I would NEVER say that because I’m not...(insert reciprocal criticism here). I had real trouble with any of the tools in my toolkit, things that normally work in the way of helping me let go came up short. This occupied my mind for at least a week and a half. I still think about it. This created conflict in myself, since I really did not want to carry that around. I didn’t want my own critical thoughts and judgements to weigh me down and drag down my vibration. I work way too hard on myself to let the opinion of someone else destroy my inner peace. Again, if someone is determined to be nasty and misunderstand you, then that is their load to carry, only it wasn’t since I was carrying it around too. Only we pick shit up, and only we can decide to put it down.

What I did want to do in this case was reassess this person’s place in my life. It was clear from this interaction that this is not a safe space for me. The things that were said set off rockets in my core center, the place in my body where I feel and hold my emotions. Our bodies are always talking to us. This time my body said, step back and keep distance. The undertones of certain comments made me extremely wary and uncomfortable. The thing is, we can assess and discern without having to go bonkers with judging. Weakness judges, strength assesses. This is hard to do, since our self protective instincts are to build walls made out of bricks of judgement. But the thing is, the thing which I have been working on constantly, is cementing that feeling of safety within myself and my life. In times of distress, when my nervous system is being hijacked, I will literally put my hand on my heart or belly, go to a quiet place, breathe, and tell myself I’m safe. I may have to repeat it many times to start to believe it. If I don’t believe it, which I didn’t for a very long time, I’ll force myself to sit through the discomfort of the affirmation until I physically start to soften and it begins to click. By the way, we can feel terribly upset and uncomfortable and still know that deep down we are safe. Both knowings can exist, only while the feelings of discomfort will eventually dissipate, the safety will remain. Weakness is transient, strength is permanent. Underneath whatever you are feeling, thinking, and experiencing lies a vast well of strength and calm. It’s yours to access at any time. It takes tools, techniques, and the knowledge that it exists in order to tap into it. But it’s there. So if I know this and do believe wholeheartedly that I’m safe, guided, and held, why the need to build that protective brick wall? Maybe I can use discernment to protect myself instead of heavy judgment. It took me many days before this occurred to me, but once it did it felt revelatory. It felt so much lighter and more in keeping with how I want to exist in the world. I’ve done so much work, why derail myself by getting buried under someone else’s lens and stuff? Uncomfortable situations are a part of life. It’s how we relate to them that will determine how we move through them. The more secure I feel in my own life, body, decisions, and the more I reaffirm my connection to the safety of the Unseen, the easier it is for me to release my grip on delusional protective judgement. Judgement doesn’t just separate us from others. It separates us from ourselves, because it goes against the oneness and harmony of the soul. Fighting for our wholeness is an important spiritual discipline. I am committed to fusing myself back together, over and over and over.

Cleaner PB CCCs

Wait, what?? Cleaner peanut butter chocolate chip cookies. This gluten free version on my favorite classic was a hit all around. It’s so fun to experiment with delicious treats that feel more responsible. Everyone has their own relationship with food, and it’s usually a nutso journey with many twists and turns. Eating is so emotional. I have hit my sweet spot by not depriving myself, while still making choices that serve my body and health. These are really terrific.

Ingredients:
One stick softened vegan butter (I like Smart Balance)
2/3 cup creamy natural peanut butter
1/2 cup packed dark brown sugar
1/2 cup monk fruit sweetener (sub for white sugar)
1 egg or the vegan egg substitute equivalent
1 cup of gluten free flour (mine was a pre blended mix of almond, tapioca, and coconut flours)
1/2 tsp baking soda
1 1/3 cups Lily’s chocolate chips
3/4 cup coarsely chopped honey roasted or regular peanuts

Preheat oven to 375. In a medium bowl with an electric mixer, beat the butter, peanut butter, sugars, and vanilla, until well combined. Beat in the egg. Scrape down, mix again.
In a small bowl mix the dry ingredients. Mix with wet, slowly until just combined. Fold in chips and nuts.
Bake for 12 minutes. Don’t over-bake. Cool for 3 minutes on pan then transfer to cooling racks. Makes at least 2 dozen up to 32 cookies. I’m of the “go big and stay home” camp, so mine yield less.