Root to Rise

I just completed a 5 day silent Sesshin (heart mind) retreat with the New York Zen Center for Contemplative Care. I have found such a home in this community and the connectivity I feel with them amidst noble silence is indescribable. In that vein, I have been reflecting a lot on the uniquely pure wisdom one hears in a space of clear silence. About how we must declutter to uncover what we most need, that which has been buried all along waiting to be unearthed. I find it very difficult to locate my inner wisdom when there is constant chatter; in my brain, in verbal conversation with others, in my surroundings, on my phone, etc. How can we hear anything amongst such nonstop ubiquitous yada yada coming at us from all directions? One of the great benefits of meditation is that it affords us the opportunity to gift ourselves with the possibility of stillness in body, mind, and thought which causes deep inner truth to speak to us. Even if the possibility reveals itself to be just 2 seconds long, at least we learn we can get there. That inner voice is always there and wanting to communicate, but worldly noises are deafening and often distract us. Def not our fault but it’s something we must deal with if we want to dive deeper below the surface of 3D life. Meditation is not a thoughtless space; thoughts will always arise as long as a brain is healthy and active, but as we sit we can watch them and learn to deal with them in a way that reduces their seductive power. I truly have no idea what my life would look like now without this practice, the guidance of my teachers, and the support of my spiritual friends. Sitting with our minds is really hard. Most people avoid it at all costs, using any means available as a distraction. There are countless dark, scary mental alleyways the brain wants to drag us towards. It’s much easier to take a drink, pop a pill, turn on the tv, exercise, or scroll mindlessly on our phones. It is an act of courage to willingly go forth into the abyss of mind. It is also the only way to go to the root of painful thought processes that cause so much suffering. The clinging, doubts, anxieties, and obsessions get louder and louder because they want and need attention. Going to the root of pain seems counterintuitive; why would I walk headfirst into the lion’s mouth when I could binge watch a show and pop a numbing pill?? The latter option definitely sounds more fun and certainly easier. The former, however, is what ultimately gives us our power back. By carefully digging up our painful, traumatic roots we can learn to replant and regrow our lives. I began this process 5 years ago and I can say with certainty that my life continues to improve, deepen, and amaze me. The more I locate hidden reserves of bravery to tackle the shit factory in my mind, the more clearing out I can do. The closet does not clean itself, and just like old, ratty clothes that you no longer need, there lies a huge trunk of old, ratty narratives you don’t need either. I have yet to meet a single person, regardless of background/race/upbringing/socio economic status who doesn’t have armfuls of heavy trauma. Our stories get to a point (hopefully!) where they are just too cumbersome to keep shlepping around. Once we decide it’s enough already and that it’s time to put down The Stuff, however warranted and valid it is, then we have already created an opening. Getting fed up is excellent news. It’s like being sick and tired of being sick and tired. This is when we realize there has to be another way, at least that’s absolutely what I experienced. I had no idea what that other way looked like, but a part of me knew it existed. For years I said to my best friends, “there has to be another way.” I owed it to myself, my life, and my kids to discover a new way of existing in the world. A way that no longer had me enslaved by the rampant thoughts and emotions that consumed me. The brain is designed to secrete thoughts and so it always will. If not then a person is brain dead in the literal sense. Your stock ticker of thoughts means you’re alive, more good news! The goal is not to eradicate thought but to master it. This is very taxing work and so I laugh when people tell me to “enjoy the retreat!!” Of course I appreciate the good wishes and accept them, and I do enjoy these practice opportunities tremendously but they are exhausting AF. Make no mistake; this ain’t a vacation. However, it is a portal to the possibility of peace and to get there one must be willing to dive into some very choppy, treacherous waters. All the demons come up, thrilled to have center stage while Netflix is off and the Klonopin is at home. This is why the support of teachers and spiritual friends is crucial. We are pack animals who heal amongst others. I cannot imagine doing this work on an island and feel so grateful I don’t have to. I wouldn’t even know where to start. Therapy is really important but it’s not the same as entering the ring of my mind, that underground fight club no one else can possibly see. What happens in fight club stays in fight club unless we face it head on and begin to dig up all that inner conflict. Trust me, I know it hurts. But so does carrying that hurt around forever so we have to choose: the pain of doing the work or the pain of holding tight to the trauma driven narratives. I’ve tried both ways and there is one clear winner.

 My close friend in the zendo (meditation hall) is a longtime dedicated practitioner. She looked at me at one point and whispered, “why are we doing this??”. I replied, “because it’s so much worse if we don’t” (I have my moments). And so this is the process that adds to the list of the countless dualities inherent in this life: getting quiet to hear. We have to die to be reborn, root down to grow upwards, follow the breath to come home, and enter the dark places only to see the light. There would be no light without darkness; it’s the relativity of the two opposing forces that make each what they are. 
There is a well known Yiddish fable that I think most religions have some version of. An old lady comes crying to the village rabbi that her tiny house is so cramped. Woe is her. What does the rabbi advise? He tells her to fill her house with a cow, a few chickens, a couple cats, etc. Then the problem will be fixed. She obeys only to return a few days later complaining that it’s now worse. Now what should she do? The rabbi then instructs her to take out all the animals one by one. Again she obeys and comes joyfully back to the rabbi that she now has so much space. Only through living with the clutter did things get so bad that she had to work on removing things, to discover that her original space was perfect. 
Our minds enter this world pure, open, and clear. If they started off this way then we can go back to that place that already exists, and the human predicament is that things have to get hella complicated before they become simple.
When I root down and connect with the literal earth beneath me, feel my butt, bones, and feet on the floor or my back against the chair, I make physical contact with a firm entity that is supportive and constant. By connecting to this entity that’s holding me I can engage, activate, and rise up straighter. I mean this physically and spiritually, and I feel my body doing what’s required to lift me. Straight, strong spine, breath inflating my lungs, air entering my nostrils, belly rising and falling, shoulders soft and open, neck resting regally atop my vertebrae; this is my body working with my spirit to rest in expansive awareness. When I feel myself planted down and the sky kissing the top of my head I know I am sandwiched in between two great forces of strength, support, and guidance. What else is there but that.