Reinventing the Wheel

Wheel pose in yoga is still a challenge for me. I’ve come a long way though. A few months ago it felt totally unattainable to me, but today I can get up properly on my own. I manage two labored breaths instead of the goal of five peaceful ones, but I’ll get there. With patience (not my strong suit) and practice I’ll get there.

Wheel, like all advanced poses, requires trust and strong grounding. Trust in your body, how you control it, in the pose itself, and especially in the natural ability to root so strongly into the earth. Rooting with strength and conviction allows us to backbend. The expansiveness of wheel is wonderful. Sew, plant, root, grow in ways you couldn’t imagine prior. It all makes perfect sense. When we find that place of ease, we can breathe smoothly and deeply. My breathing in wheel is still not easy because I’m not entirely trusting of myself in this pose yet. I have hurt my neck doing it in earlier attempts. There has been a clear connection between my overall state of trust in life and in myself and my yoga practice. I was a hot mess when I started. A highly functioning hot mess, but I was raw and all over the place in so many ways. No trust, no ease, all entangled with human egoic ideas of who I was and how life has to look.

I began practicing exactly three years ago with Stephanie, who is my forever guru. Almost every major positive change in my life has somehow stemmed from her and her studio. The other teachers I have, my transformative sunrise practice, other students who have enriched my life in various ways, books I’ve read, spiritual masters I’ve learned about, certain types of music, the purpose of this human incarnation, the power of the breath. She has guided me through some very rough oceans, always with direct loving kindness and incredible wisdom and compassion. She got me in an instant when we first met. I looked at her and just instantly cracked open. Three years after that life changing meeting, Stephanie has left New Jersey for a new chapter in her own story. When she told me this a month ago I was obviously devastated. She has been my constant, my foundation, my teacher, and my friend. She’s my spiritual mother. I couldn’t picture not being able to see her and be in her presence. Her classes are poetry in motion. Her wisdom is felt in every breath. However, I surprised myself in how quickly I recovered from the news of her departure. All the teachings about how Life/Source/the Dharma always gives us what we need, which I so know, kicked in. It was time to integrate all I’ve been learning and writing about. There’s no reason to be scared if we trust in the constant unfolding of life. Clearly it is felt that I’m ready for her to not physically be here with me. It felt like graduation in a way. She and I have discussed many times how all the dots between us connect. We have often charted the stars in the constellation of my life, a shape that keeps taking on new form with each new shedding and rebirth. She taught me that I’m a shape shifter. We all are, we just have to come to that realization. In her last class two weeks ago there was not a dry eye in the packed room. But if the foundation of yoga is non attachment, then it’s counterproductive to hold ourselves back by attaching to the idea of her needing to be there for us. I was able to piece myself back together pretty fast after the news of her departure because the roots she planted with me allows me to bend and expand. The stronger the foundation, the farther the backbend. As Sunrise Betsy always says, find comfort in the discomfort. I’m not comfortable with Steph leaving, but I have found comfort in knowing I must be ready for it. As Eckhart Tolle says, if it’s happening right now it is because it is needed for the evolution of your consciousness. Ok, I accept. This summer I was presented with a tough personal choice. I know what the answer is. I would not have chosen that answer in the past, but different people make different choices and I’m a different person indeed. Steph gave us a choice of bridge or wheel that last class. I wanted to try wheel, which is much harder. I wrestled with my head for 20 seconds and told it to be quiet, in order to connect the breath and the body. I got up instantly. Ok, I said to myself, you’re up. Now you just need to stay there. Thank you, Stephanie, for teaching me how to crawl, walk, then rise. It’s not where we think we are going that determines our life course; it’s where we come from that sets all the right actions into motion. When I had this conversation with her in person, she said ,”You were ready. I just happened to be here”. Hold on to the people who open you up. They have been sent to you as messengers to teach you about your own limitless expansion. Allow them to work their magic on you. Don’t just spin around in the same circle for 85 years then die. Keep growing and reinventing the wheel.