I lost eight inches of my hair due to residual stress (stay tuned on the blog).
I was no longer married but no one knew.
I was cracking under the pressure of how to tell our kids about the divorce.
I was trying so hard to hold things together while other things had deconstructed.
I did not have the blog.
I had no idea how I'd survive without a relationship.
I had no idea how to do anything in DJ lessons, though I had begun six months prior.
I decided to slam the door shut on certain unhealthy relationships in my life, social, extended family, and otherwise.
I had no Lady Blaga Instagram handle.
I was a colt getting up on shaky legs.
I was certain I needed a new version of my life, but wasn't quite sure what.
I didn't have yoga as a part of my routine.
I had never meditated, and therefore had no real means of coping.
I would sometimes go into my room and lose my shit out of uncertainty.
I had to bite my tongue from blurting out my secret to my best friends.
I was starting to believe in myself but felt I had to justify doing so, even apologize.
I hadn't yet met some incredible DJs in the Creative community, who have given me the truest form of encouragement, since they understand.
I was no longer trapped in a cloud of invisibility.
I felt new life breathed into me.
I started to smile for no reason, and for every reason.
I no longer felt angry and bitter when I saw couples together on the street.
I began to feel what I came to identify as pride.
I had a renewed sense of energy and life.
I had people stop me and inquire about my glow.
I finally proved to myself I am indeed a writer.
I felt certain in my value as a woman and an individual.
I let go of Jewish guilt.
I began to envision the version of my life I deserve.
I came up for air.
I felt my days and weeks were no longer identical.
I felt a hunger to maximize my time here.
I felt stronger and more sweetly vulnerable than I ever had in my life.
I felt safe being catapulted into this new space, though logic might dictate otherwise.
I stopped apologizing for growing.
A year ago, I shook hands with myself and said, "nice to meet you."