I have been waxing nostalgic about my first paid blog related gig. Making any sort of income was not something I ever thought would be in the cards for me. This is not a complaint whatsoever. I am very blessed to have my family financially provided for. As I've written about, I say blessings before I eat. I know what a luxury it is to have a refrigerator full of food, constant running water, heat in my home, and education for my children. I have never lacked those things, which does not mean I take them for granted. The world is full of people with three jobs, struggling to make ends meet. I am in awe of those people, especially when they simultaneously manage to raise happy, well actualized children. Dinner time is hard enough without having to worry about whether or not you can afford dinner.
For almost twenty years I was a housewife (I hate that term) and stay at home mom, which I loved. However, I needed more for myself as a woman and as an individual. The monotonous routine and sameness of every single week was literally mind numbing. As in, my mind was actually going numb. Creativity always exists, but it is a muscle that must be flexed consistently or it will atrophy. People usually associate atrophy with the physical body. The same holds true for our spiritual and emotional beings. When the intangible is neglected, it starts to dry up. What's going on inside of us is a massive bouquet of wildflowers. If not watered and loved, we dry up, crumble, and disappear. If anything, nurturing and tending to our souls may be more important than taking care of our bodies, since our souls will outlive their physical encasements. It was always such a compliment when people would tell me I have talents. But with no proof of that, I stopped believing it. At a certain point it feels delusional to convince myself I can be more than what I am, when I've seen no evidence of that. I'm a results person. I make mental lists. My lists are less frantic since I'm calmer in general, in knowing that I'm now accomplishing so much. Which leads to excitement about what I will accomplish in the future.
For so many years I'd cling to past achievements, again, listing them to talk myself off the preverbal ledge. Ticking off memories such as reading poetry at my local NYC Barnes and Noble when I was nine months pregnant with my second child (cool, right?). Writing all the lyrics and assisting with musical direction for a children's CD when I was 24 (lol, CDs 💿). Two of my kids don't even know I did the second thing. None of them know I did the first thing, which just occurred to me. Past accomplishments lose their luster over time, because while time passes, the past is simply stuck. It's not real anymore. It may have been great, but it no longer exists. The future is even less real, in that it hasn't happened yet. What are we left with? The present. At any given second of any moment, it is always the present. We are enveloped in the NOW. Don't rely on past memories to satiate you. Enjoy them, but don't use them as a crutch. Do not assume future happiness based on imagined, hypothetical scenarios. They are pure fabrication. This is not easy. I am a huge visitor of the past, and an even greater imaginer of the future. The scripts I write in my mind for future conversations, scenarios, and assumptions could be motion pictures. What a waste of brain power! It's just noise in my head, and I'm much happier when my mind doesn't go off the rails in those directions. If my body is in my kitchen but my head is in Miami of 1999, or in Tel Aviv of 2030, I've got zero shot of alignment😂. Funny but serious.
The worst is when I envision highly detailed dialogues or confrontations with someone. So stupid. Human, but stupid nonetheless. A mantra that really helps me is "no expectations, no attachments, no assumptions, no analysis". It's wordy but I couldn't omit any of these ideas. I came up with this a couple months ago, and I hold onto it when I need to. Which means constantly. When I click with this, there is instant lightness. To over analyze is to set yourself up for failure. I'm a highly analytical person, so I needed this lesson. This is a lesson in mental restraint. It feels good to give your mind a break so it can be filled with other productive things. It's like cleaning out your closet; making room for useful, quality items by un cluttering that which you don't use or need. There's a reason closet cleaning immediately feels so good. Excess never serves us. It distracts from what we need to really be doing. Editing and un cluttering my life in so many ways has allowed me the newfound space to rediscover my buried creativity.
I have dragged out my dire need to create and express. It's like finding a prized, invaluable antique in an attic and dusting it off. Everyone is excited when they find something like this! Treasures must be polished and preserved before they are able to be enjoyed. In terms of finding myself, first I had to decide to open the attic door, open it, search, locate, dust off, unearth, and shine myself up. Then I had to decide to maintain that shine! Why should I sit underneath a pile of useless junk?? No way. This is not selfish, which women are often taught. God forbid we direct our attention inward 🙄. The second we take our nurturing away from someone else we get criticized. Whatever. Giving myself permission to proudly display myself has led me to my original thought, that being my first paid blog job. It's not the money, it's the acknowledgment. It's seeing direct results from all the love and originality I've poured into the blog. Through this source I'm able to feed my inner source. Lady Blaga is so many things for me: a platform for my numerous ideas, a home for my feelings, a connector to both myself and others. It's given me concrete proof of my persistence and versatility. I'm so proud of how many topics I cover each week. Four articles is quite a lot of work, but I'd never cut back. It's good to push myself. It gives shape to my weeks.
Writing is a haven for me. I can always escape to my list of Blaga homework as a means of solace. The blog is a means of showing my kids I can do more than make grilled cheese and shop for school supplies. I've met amazing people and have been presented with incredible opportunities thus far. Opening my attic door opened my life to all sorts of experiences, the blog enabling that. For the blog I cook, I write, I style, I emote. I am on a constant quest for new ideas to share. I hope I inspire. Even if I have to write a seemingly superficial style post, I enjoy it. If you like reading it, I love writing it! I have deadlines, which keeps my mind on track and gives me a sense of importance. For creative types, our minds can feel like the Wild West. There's a lot going on in my little head! Blaga harnesses my wildness and directs me. It gives my life order and excitement. Writing and creating is therapy. Becoming a DJ will be my ultimate therapy as well. When that happens, you'll know about it through this channel. It's all working together. All parts of us converge naturally when we honor ourselves.
The money I made wasn't much, but I couldn't have been prouder. I have a lovely photo to prove it. My smile is a thousand watts in that picture... That payment represents my decision to delve into my own life. There are always fears and excuses. Don't wait. Put money in your spiritual bank and reap the rewards of self discovery. Happiness and inner peace are indeed the riches of life. Invest in your heart every day, and the interest will grow. Peeps, that was a double entendre😏. ❤️, Lady Blaga 🔑🚪🔎