“Self Care” is a term that is ubiquitous these days. That is a good thing. We have come so far from the era in which we were only as good as how we performed our roles. In the 50’s, self care would probably have looked like buying the latest vacuum. It’s still a concept many of us are timidly trying on for size, so conditioned are we to believe that our worth is directly tied in to enslaving ourselves to the service of others. It’s a huge misconception that self care is selfish, hence the problem in society. In my own community, I see how both women and men are sized up by how much they earn, volunteer, perform familial obligations, even by how young their daughter is to get married and produce a grandchild. As much progress as we’ve made, I still observe most individuals getting completely lost in what the community has decided is success. How can it be that statistically, every person wants the exact same trajectory? It’s impossible, since we are all genuinely so different. I see so many people drowning in resentment, the result of ignoring the self. If we don’t water ourselves, then doing for others becomes draining and frustrating. When we are properly nurtured, then being of service to others is a joy. It feels like sharing and connecting, instead of this burdensome carving away at our already depleted resources. When I love myself and share that love with you, I’m joyful. When I treat myself like an afterthought and pour from an empty cup, I’m pissed. Self betrayal is the opposite of self care, and every single time we act not in our best interest, we reinforce self betrayal. And if we are being honest, we know it. Self betrayal feels like shit, and so the mind goes haywire trying to rationalize whatever it is that requires a bandaid over what we just did. It’s really impossible to properly take care of anyone until we know on an inner level what that looks like. I’m not talking about self care in the form of a pedicure; I’m referring to it as being sensitive and nurturing to our needs. If I can’t recognize when I need a break, how can I recognize when you need one too?
On the silent retreat I attended last summer, one of the teachers always instructed us to take care of ourselves, since how we care for ourselves is the way we will care for others. This was a first for me, having been raised in Martyr Land, where the message is that a trophy is awarded to the person who is the biggest Shmattah (rag). I learned many years ago, by observing the women around me, that not only living and breathing for your children is selfish, but it’s an excuse to justify not cultivating your individuality. Existing only for our families, immediately places an insane amount of pressure on our children to validate us. Read that again. Using our families as an excuse to not nurture ourselves, our needs, our interests, our talents, and our joys is so common. We claim “there’s no time” as a way to justify not meeting our needs. It’s very hard to admit that we have no idea what deep self care actually is. It’s sad to learn we haven’t been that great to ourselves, and so we blamed outside factors for that. It’s sadder to have to face the fact that we might have no idea what we need in the first place, since that points to not knowing ourselves very well. It is so easy to get lost in family. Roles are dangerous in that way, since they enable us by sucking up time. There is grief in admitting we may not know ourselves, and that we don’t know the first thing about what drives us. That’s why one of the most important acts of self care is self forgiveness. It’s ok to not know, and we all have to start somewhere. Patience and honesty are also great acts of self care, as is knowing our individual needs matter. Learning who we are and what we need, is akin to learning a new language. It takes practice and patience, and forgiveness of the mistakes that lead us back to conditioned self betrayal. Know that when anyone calls you selfish when you attempt to act in your own best interest, there is something wrong with them and not you. Honoring your needs and boundaries is NOT selfish. Do not believe these people, and if you observe the way they treat themselves, it’s clear that “caring for others” looks like control and accolades, not care. The way people respond to your personal acts of self care, are extremely revealing. Observe, and do what you need to do anyway. They need not like it or approve. Knowing that these people are committed to misunderstanding you is a huge act of self care, because we can remove ourselves from the toxic dynamic of needing to explain ourselves to the emotionally deaf. Only those who benefit from you having zero boundaries, will throw a fit when you act in your own best interest.
Here is an example from my own life. My second pregnancy was an absolute nightmare. I was told to abort my child due to constant spotting in the first trimester, which resulted in plummeting lab results. My ulcerative colitis was flaring like crazy, and I was dangerously underweight. There was outrageous emotional distress brought on by family problems, which I was dragged into in my fifth month, a time I could barely stand up. In short, this baby was a miracle when she was born full term at a healthy weight. I will never forget holding her in the hospital, and being told how selfish I was, by a family member who wanted to throw a huge party “for the baby”. My ex husband and I were always very private about giving birth. Every labor and delivery was a clandestine operation, and we only made phone calls after the babies were out safely. No parents, no family members clogging up the space. We never wanted the hovering, or anyone else dumping their own emotions into the room. Most people have no clue how to keep their stuff to themselves. They make it all about themselves, even if some of them have good intentions. So there I was, cradling my newborn in Lenox Hill, and actually being yelled at for not agreeing to a ridiculous party that I can assure you, “the baby” didn’t care about. The person literally stormed out after I wouldn’t give in. Who screams at a new mother like that? I recall being stupefied but holding my ground. Self care often comes down to this; we either honor ourselves or we give in to the demands of others. One choice can feel very scary, when we are met with criticism and insulted by the person who feels denied. No one who loves themselves will talk to you like that. Yes, they might be disappointed or hurt, but anyone who goes nuts when you honor yourself isn’t one of your people. Those who love you will want you to care for yourself, just like you hopefully want them to be good to themselves as well. This is a healthy, interpersonal dynamic. Caring for myself lately has included knowing that there are people, who as I said before, are simply committed to misunderstanding me. They need to see me and hear me through their own lens, which really has nothing to do with me. Part of emotional maturity is being ok with the perception of others, and allowing them their lens. If I know who I am, then that’s enough to keep me steady, even though it’s uncomfortable to be disagreed with and unseen.
The funny thing with self care, is that the more we nurture ourselves, the more time and energy we have to include others in that space of nurturing. Before I began this creative, fulfilling chapter, I was always zapped and depleted. I ran on empty, believing there was honor in being a doormat, since being a wife and mother was the only goal. I’d get a few household errands done while the kids were in school and call it a day. By 6 pm I was exhausted. There was “no time” for anything else. Now, I am amazed at how many things I can get done in a day. My zest for life began to increase, as I learned to feed my soul. My energy grew each time I learned more about myself, my needs, and my expressions. Paying acute attention to this has helped me zone in on what others need. If I want the best for my loved ones, then that must include myself. My inner circle only includes people who love me and want the best for me, and I have learned a lot from them. It’s taken me some time to catch up to knowing how to care for myself, since it’s often so much easier to give than to receive. Turning care inward is very uncomfortable, when we are unfamiliar with what receiving that feels like.
The question I ask myself in deciding what the right path is, whether it’s squeezing a manicure into an already packed day, not attending a family function, taking a nap midday, or committing to exercise, is, “how can I love myself right now, in this moment?” Like, the manicure example might seem silly, but if doing it will only add to the pressured rush of the day, maybe it’s not worth it. However, if the rush is indeed worth it because my nails are driving me crazy, then I’ll make the choice to rush, if it’ll ultimately give me peace of mind. If attending the family function will give me peace, ok. But if I’m there to please others, while stewing in the misery of being there, then that’s a trail marker. Sometimes self care is not exercising, if my body really needs a break. The answers will usually always vary, but the question is the same. It’s a fact that the better we hold ourselves, the more skilled we are at being there for others. Investing in yourself is a direct investment to those around you. You aren’t selfish. You are a person with needs, and unmet needs cause emotional trauma. It’s the exact same thing as the oxygen mask on the plane; you secure yours first so you can then assist your fellow passengers.
Life is a ride. Your seatbelt, your safety and well-being, matters.
