Oy, Forgiveness

I was asked by a loyal reader to touch upon this topic. It’s always such a hard subject. The idea of forgiveness is unbelievably layered, complicated, challenging, and scary for so many. I have yet to meet a person who doesn’t struggle with it. For observant Jews who are beginning to think about the High Holidays, specifically Yom Kippur, forgiveness is weighing on us. Most people have no understanding of what forgiveness really means, or how to do it. When someone has deeply hurt us, it’s so hard to forgive. One of the most destructive nods to forgiveness today is that ubiquitous, insensitive directive to “get over it”. In today’s culture, where we rapidly move from one thing to the next, we feel like it’s a personal failure, a weakness even, to not be able to just “get over” something. Then many of us begin the process of self loathing and shame, in clinging to our stories of hurt that prevent us from moving on. If we can’t forgive and forget, it’s internalized that’s it’s all our fault. “Get over it” is so harmful because it removes all accountability from the person who hurt you, placing all the responsibility on you, the one who was hurt, to move on. To “deal with it”. More so, it completely invalidates the fact that you, a precious, sensitive person with real feelings, have reason to feel hurt/ sad/angry. When our pain isn’t seen, our voices aren’t heard, and our experiences are ignored, it feels so awful because it is. It’s like someone dumping a bag of smelly, rotten garbage on your head, and then telling you to “deal with it”, making you seem pathetic if you can’t. First of all, please know that’s not true, ever. Anything that you are feeling is real. We can never force another person to make our experience matter to them. Trying to get someone to see it your way often leads to intense frustration. Yes, sometimes we are dealing with others who care about us, made a mistake, and do want to know how they hurt us. Usually, though, it’s realistically not so. This is why, as I’ve learned, the first (and often only) person that my experience has to matter to is Me. The more I practice this, and I’ve had lots of help in learning how to do it, the better my relationship is to myself. When I am deeply hurt and I’m able to hold myself through it, that is more soothing than banging my head against the wall, trying to seek validation from others. Also, when I can do this, it creates an inner spaciousness that softens me to the possibility of beginning to forgive someone else. We cannot truly forgive others if our inner dialogue with ourselves is cold and unhealthy. The way we talk to ourselves, and our ability to first see ourselves as fallible human beings, will set the stage for how we relate to other people. If you treat yourself like crap, getting angry at yourself for not just getting over it, yet you can forgive someone else who just took a dump on your head, it’s likely not forgiveness in the true sense; it’s codependency. We are so often terrified of having someone angry at us, even if they were the aggressors. The idea of this person cutting you out of their life, ignoring you, and making you feel less than is too much to handle. So we push our feelings aside, ignore our pain, and forgive in order to keep this other in our orbit. In short, we self abandon. THIS is the root of most inner shame. It’s almost never what someone else does to you; it’s what YOU are doing to you. The way we hold, or drop, ourselves is so major. When we are aligned with our experience and radically aware of how we are feeling, the need for outside validation drops significantly (or entirely). This is one of the reasons the concept of forgiveness is so misunderstood. It’s because it starts within. We must learn to cultivate such a strong and kind level of inner compassion to ourselves, thereby paving the road to forgiveness that extends outward. We cannot give what we don’t have. If our river of self forgiveness is dry and empty, you can forget about forgiving someone else.
Coming from the background of a religious Jewish community, where women are lauded for being long suffering martyrs who shove their feelings aside for the benefit of others, I have had to wade through some very deep conditioning. I was taught that feelings are selfish. To notice them or worse, honor them, was to not be a team player. And if I’m not on the team, then I’m against the team. In order for the team to function, each player should shut their mouth and do what’s required to maintain equanimity. Any form of stability is a totally false illusion; it’s an empty tree trunk being held up by contaminated roots. You can forget about the branches, those will snap off in five seconds. If the roots aren’t healthy, nourished, and fortified, the tree is diseased. It will be vulnerable to collapse. The image of this tree represents every dynamic, including your own with You. We are designed to have times where we are overcome with thoughts, and full of feelings. We are also designed to not cling to any of them, but that’s for other posts. In writing about forgiveness, we must address all the feels in the moment. It’s not selfish. If anyone couldn’t make space for your feelings, then they weren’t able to acknowledge their own. Knowing this is a key piece in forgiveness, the ability to see the one who hurt you as a human who makes mistakes. The lens through which to know this begins with your own view of yourself in this light. You make mistakes, say the wrong thing, hurt, judge, and invalidate too. We all do. You aren’t bad and you don’t suck. You aren’t a failure. You are a complex person who will not always get it right. Being human is a practice, possibly the hardest one out there. It is essential that, in our knowledge of our own mistakes, we hold ourselves accountable. We can only do this if we regard ourselves with kindness and flexibility. Without our own accountability, which is truly necessary for repair, external forgiveness is also impossible. The other person must be held accountable for having hurt you. This does not mean they will BE accountable. We can’t control their level of willingness and emotional maturity. But, it means we fully hold them to account, possibly without judgement, so that we can rationally know what happened to us. In order to sort through our feelings and sift through hurt, we must admit with full honesty that this person harmed us. Forgiveness requires that our wound be scraped clean from the source of pain. If your child has a wound that needed to be cleaned, treated, disinfected, and stitched up, you wouldn’t slap a bandaid on him and expect it to be fine. The wound will ooze, fester, spread, and you’ll likely wind up in the hospital dealing with a raging infection.  So too with emotional pain. When it’s not treated properly, it doesn’t go away. It spreads and grows stronger. That’s why forgiveness is so hard; it’s not done honestly and healthily.   The knowledge that we have to “get over it” is different than the wisdom needed to soothe and heal pain that’s been inflicted by someone else. Cheap bandaids don’t work. Their adhesive will crap out, and the bandaid will slide off, revealing a worse wound than before. Radical awareness towards our own emotional experience is needed to forgive. Burying your feelings so you won’t get kicked off the team isn’t a true solution. It’s why so many of us struggle with forgiving the same people over and over, often for the duration of a whole lifetime; we think we have to sweep our pain away to do this. Again, it’s creating space between us and our feelings, by honestly holding them without judgement, that starts to allow for a widening where we can let others in to our process. Thereby possibly incorporating them back into our lives. This can be slow, quick, possible or not possible. Forgiveness of ourselves is not negotiable, but forgiveness of others is truly a case by case basis. If someone has a history of hurting you with no accountability, and has no plans of ever stopping, you can forgive them but not allow them into your precious life. Giving someone access to you, when they have shown utter disregard for your humanity, is hands down self abandonment. It’s not forgiveness, it’s abuse. No one ever has the right to consistently harm you on any level. Not your parent, spouse, partner, friend, or child. Boundaries are not selfish, they are an important tool that keeps relationships healthy. They dictate how we are required to be treated, and teach us how we are required to treat others.
 Each person who hurts us is different, resulting in different types of pain. Sometimes it’s just a misunderstanding, a miscommunication, or a common human foible. Other times, you can be dealing with a sick, abusive, miserable, unhealthy person. Only you can know the route to take with each individual situation. “Forgiveness” for me was always a terrifying word. It was modeled to me in childhood as shutting my mouth, ignoring my feelings, but having no choice in forgiveness, thereby opening myself up once again to attack. It was a vicious cycle that lasted until I removed myself entirely. There are many people that I don’t grant access to. Forgiveness does not mean “come back in and throw poisonous darts at me again”. If it means that for you, then please work on being better to yourself. Setting boundaries with these kinds of people is terrifying yet liberating. It’s an act of self care. Forget about getting a manicure or a massage, real self care is being a safe space for yourself. Loving yourself through the pain that comes with releasing certain people from our lives. Losing people who will always hurt us is very difficult. We can forgive them for being unwell, and regard them with compassion. How sad is it for someone who is always cruel and emotionally destructive? It’s a form of disease. When known without judgement, this feels gentle on our part. We can be fully aware of how broken another person is, forgive them, hold them accountable in our own minds, yet preserve our own well being by removing ourselves. Not everyone gets access to you. There are wonderful aspects to community, but this is not one of them. Geography and shared religious practice does not mean you and your life are public.  Your neighbor might sit next to you in synagogue, but be a mean person who always puts you down, or competes with your child. How sad she must be to behave this way. I can forgive her yet change my seat. A relative who is emotionally abusive and uncaring; what a tragedy to live like that, always pushing others away. I can forgive yet block their number. Or I can not block my number, if I can mentally handle contact without going off the rails. Maybe I’m going off the rails now, and my colitis flares up at the thought of being around certain people. Maybe this won’t be so in the future. It’s all changing, depending on how we feel. Your body is an excellent teacher in relationships. That migraine, backache, need to overeat, or need to be really busy all of a sudden; all signs that something is going on emotionally within you. Who makes you feel nervous, depleted, frustrated, on edge; your feelings are trying to teach you something. Setting boundaries actually helps with forgiveness. It gives us room to feel safe, so forgiving isn’t as scary anymore. You are allowed to feel safe in ALL your relationships.
 This Yom Kippur, instead of begging Hashem to help you forgive so and so, maybe try gently giving that a rest. Perhaps ask Hashem to help you forgive yourself, and to help you build your compassion towards You, which will start to open up your heart. Others can find their way in there, when you are ready. To not be able to forgive isn’t bad. You’re not a bad person or a bad Jew. You just need some more emotional tending in your own garden. Hashem knows this. He loves you, and He is patient. He wants you to love yourself like He loves you. He doesn’t want you to suffer just to stay on the team. He wants you to thrive. He wants you to treat yourself beautifully, so that your heart will grow and include the world. He gave you all these feelings, and so they must be real. You can’t expect Him to protect you if you cannot do that for yourself. Forgive yourself for treating yourself less than, and for treating others less than. Start there, learn from there. The rest will come in time, and if it doesn’t, forgive that too. Untying our own knots ultimately creates a much bigger net of safety for everyone.
Forgiveness is a skill most aren’t taught. That’s why it’s so hard. We are trying to speak Chinese, without ever having taken a class from a teacher who speaks that language. Forgive yourself for acting from what you were taught. We know better, we do better. In my opinion, Yom Kippur shouldn’t be about listing all the ways we suck, hitting ourselves, and begging for forgiveness. Would you want your child to act that way towards you? We are children of a God who loves us and is caring for us in ways we don’t understand. Yom Kippur, for me, will be a day I feel closer to God by showing gratitude for the chance to always practice, progress, and evolve. He wants your evolution. He designed you to evolve. He’s rooting for you. Don’t be afraid of Him. You don’t have to prostrate yourself and beat yourself up. Allow for a new model of forgiveness, one that starts with love. Then stand back and watch as things begin to shift. Old cycles will cease, and new ways of being will emerge.
Forgive yourself for not having known how to do this, and thank yourself for being open to growth and change. You will always be a person who will need forgiveness. So will all other people. But I urge you to redefine what forgiveness means. Sending love and strength as you bravely explore this path. Go new routes if the old ones didn’t get you anywhere. You are being guided always.

Listen to Bob seger - we've got tonight

ghosts of NYFW past

Due to the world being upside down right now, NYFW has been put on hold. I wanted to take this moment to reminisce on some of my favorite looks from attending over the years.

Tex Mex Quinoa Burgers

Baked quinoa veggie burgers with a hefty kick from Harissa, a spicy, tomato based Middle Eastern condiment. I’m not a lover of spicy food, so fear not; these have the right punch without being overwhelming. I used quinoa I had leftover from the weekend, and shaved corn kernels off of cobs that were already cooked as well. I found a can of red beans in the pantry, and grabbed an onion, bell pepper, added some extra seasoning, and wound up with a truly excellent result. Sub beans and veggies as needed. Enjoy on a bun, on a salad, in a wrap, with a slice of cheese, or with a fried egg on top.

Ingredients:
Can small red beans, rinsed
3 cups cooked quinoa, I used red
1 med onion diced
1 green bell pepper diced
2 ears corn, kernels shaved (or a can of corn drained)
3 lightly beaten eggs
2 tbsp chopped, packed, Fresh sage
2 tsp harissa
1/3 cup quinoa flour, adding more as needed if the mixture gets moist while forming the patties
2 tsp salt, 3/4 tsp pepper
1 tsp each cumin and garlic powder

Heat oven to 400. Lightly sauté the onion until translucent and fragrant. Add the diced pepper and sauté for 2 more minutes. I like to sauté my veggies before adding, to release their flavor. You can, however, skip that step. Add all ingredients together in a large bowl, mixing well. If mixture is too moist, add another tbsp of quinoa flour. Spray a large tin pan will oil or non stick spray. Form patties and place in pan. Bake for 15 minutes or until the edges get crispy. Let cool for a few minutes to set. Makes 12 to 15 burgers.

Listen to Feelin' SO Good remix- Jennifer Lopez

Joining the Harem

 Don't laugh; I have been asked to join several harems since I began the Blaga adventure. Much love to my loyal Middle Eastern followers:).

I’m loving these Bali inspired, flowy pants. This whole look vibes so much with where I’m at mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. More open, more at ease, more feminine yet more empowered. As I continue to return to my natural flow state, I gravitate towards that sexy hippie look. This bodysuit is amazing. Designed by international Bali based yogi, Meghan Currie, it serves as a top, a bathing suit, or as a cute one piece lounging situation. This would look beautiful under a long skirt as well. You could even put a boyfriend blazer over this look, to take it from day to night. The pants are versatile; just pair them with the right accessories. Their elastic, scrunched waist is so forgiving, always a plus. This is the first time in my life I feel comfortable embracing a bodysuit. The less I limit myself, the better I feel internally. That balance of feminine and masculine energies, when achieved, radiates from within. It’s when I feel most at home in my person. Join me in that.

Dirty Money

This is a particularly raw post for me to write. This topic, my family, is often one I stay away from. My family is not a safe space for me. After living with an overwhelming amount of deep rooted toxicity that was making me physically sick (I’ve had ulcerative colitis since I’m 11), I decided to mostly disengage from my family. It took ten years of therapy on this one topic, to feel that I wasn’t the biggest piece of garbage for doing so. The guilt was all consuming. I endured tons of insults, shame, and blame for being selfish. My departure was seen as massive rejection. To get me to stay was control. Wanting to protect myself from hurt, cruelty, and betrayal was viewed as the gravest offense someone in my family could commit. It was a large, mean, controlling clan that was infected with severe emotional dysfunction. Emotional abuse was administered like a test to prove one’s loyalty. One of my gastroenterologists first sent me to therapy. My third child was a year old, and my flare was so bad that I could barely hold him. I hadn’t been consistently healthy since before my diagnosis. I suffered two rounds of extreme hair loss and psoriasis, as side effects from the colitis. Colitis, like all forms of IBD, is a humiliating and merciless condition. I was a slave to it. Even a five minute car ride was petrifying, in case I had to use a bathroom. I have had accidents in front of my children. I once used one of my baby’s diapers while driving my girls to day camp, which was a 7 minute ride from my house. One of the messed up things in my family was that they loved illness. Suffering contained a warped sense of pride via suffering (a common drip down effect in Holocaust surviving families). So my physical illness, along with the rest of me, was extremely mishandled. Keeping a safe distance over the years has been essential to my overall health and well being. It was a painful yet necessary decision, for many reasons. I don’t believe that anyone should be made to feel like shit by family, just because there is a biological connection. Anyone who tells you otherwise is perpetuating a lie. The people in our lives are a big deal. They should provide us with joy, comfort, safety, trust, and support. Life is too short and too precious to be spent with people who mistreat you. Your body always knows the truth. It is a neutral messenger.  A lack of family boundaries sets the stage for massive boundary violations in other areas, especially within ourselves. How we treat ourselves on the deepest level, is a direct mirroring of what we were first taught through our earliest relationships. It has taken me years to understand this, to unlearn and relearn. I write about boundaries so much because I’m still kind of fascinated by them. They are still new. Each time I set one, I heal. Each healing leads me down the path to a life that is my very own, a life I am proud of and deserve.

There is a series currently on Netflix called Dirty Money, in which there is an episode about my public family. I don’t watch much TV. In March, one of my closest friends made me aware of this. She didn’t want me to hear about it in the wrong way, from the wrong source, or even worse, accidentally trip and fall over it while perusing Netflix. I was grateful she told me. My family is a source of shame for me, and I have no interest in revisiting these shameful, unpleasant topics that are resurrected in the media every so often. There are photos of me in this episode; a fact that I’m intensely uncomfortable with. I want no part of the disgusting stories the episode centers on, and I will do anything to protect myself and my children from being associated with this. Releasing myself from the shame of this inadvertent involvement is something I’m working on. I have no cause to feel ashamed of something I didn’t do, and it’s a heavy load I’d like to unpack at this point in time. I’m writing this because last night I had a conversation with a friend who had just watched it. He couldn’t understand why I wasn’t tempted to watch it myself. I really and truly never considered watching it; that is the crux of this post. I explained that watching it would be a form of masochism. It wouldn’t serve me, it would be bad for my mental and emotional health, and it would lower my energetic vibration. I work so hard at taking good care of myself. I eat well, treat my body well, surround myself with good people, and engage in activities that feed my soul. Music, writing, nature, cooking, and service to others are some of the ways I’m good to myself. Eliminating harmful people, and exposure to certain things, are very much included in self care. I’m selective with what I read, what I watch, which social media I follow, and what music I listen to. For instance, I watched two episodes of the Jeffrey Epstein series. I felt sick and so I stopped. It was simply information I do not need. It made me nauseous because it was indeed mental pollution. We have the right and the ability to filter and adjust everything. I’d never drink contaminated water, so why would I watch a contaminated show? I understand the human curiosity to watch a show about one’s own family, but it would be a terrible betrayal of myself if I did. If I wanted to, fine, but I don’t. I love myself too much to be the cause of my own emotional nosedive. Learning to not follow every human impulse is a big part of self care too. Just because a thought or idea is there, it doesn’t mean we have to follow it. Setting this boundary was something only I could do, and it was an act of self love and self respect. It felt like the right decision. We always know when we are either honoring or dishonoring ourselves. No one gets it right all the time, and self care is a skill that takes practice. We can only learn what feels good after knowing what feels bad. As always, I remain grateful to whatever has taught me what feels good, however painful those lessons have been.
Protect yourself. It’s not only your right, it’s your job. If you can’t trust yourself then you’re connection to You suffers greatly. Be there for yourself in whatever way you need to be. Sending love to all beings struggling with this.

Vegetarian Meatloaf, Cauliflower Mash, and Gravy

I used to love real meatloaf. It’s something I’ve been missing, since mostly eating vegetarian the past 3 years. I’m really psyched to share this Jesscipe with you. It took time and care to put together, as all hearty homecoming does, and it came out truly delicious. Of course, to fully enjoy meatloaf, one needs a solid gravy and mashed potatoes. My healthier versions of both were perfect.
The one non vegan ingredient is the one egg; simply omit that and swap for a vegan egg substitute.

Ingredients:
Veg Loaf
1 cup dry lentils, rinsed and cooked in 2 1/2 cups veg stock (have 2 whole boxes of veg broth on hand throughout, for a few steps)
3/4 cup dry quick cooking oats
1/2 cup quinoa flour
1/3 cup bbq sauce
1 egg
Small to med onion diced
3 large cloves fresh garlic, diced
3/4 cup EACH chopped bell pepper, mushrooms, zucchini (or any combo of vegetables you have on hand)
2 carrots diced
2 celery stalks diced
1 tbsp balsamic vinegar
1/3 cup chopped fresh basil or sage (optional)
Salt, pepper
1 tsp each dried thyme, paprika
1/2 tsp each cumin, garlic powder, dried dill

Turn oven to 350. Line a loaf pan with parchment paper and spray the crap out of it with non stick. Cook the lentils with the veg stock about 25 to 30 minutes. A little liquid should be left over. It’s ok if they’re mushy since you’ll be mashing them. While the lentils cook, sauté the onions and garlic in a large pan with olive oil, adding stock by the tbsp as the pan dries up. Add the balsamic to the onions and garlic, giving your aromatics a fabulous, tangy base. When the onions and garlic are soft and translucent, add the other chopped veggies. Add some more veg stock, maybe 1/3 of a cup. Mix and cover for several minutes, to sweat the vegetables and tenderize them. Stir often. When the veggie sauté is done and the liquid has absorbed, remove from stove and let cool. Stir to release the steam. Let the lentils cool as well, for 15 minutes. When ready, mix all the ingredients in a large bowl. The egg, spices, flour, oats, bbq sauce, fresh herbs if using, and season with salt and pepper to taste. Pour into the prepared pan. Bake for 45 minutes. Let cool about 15 minutes before gently removing from the pan to a cutting board. Cut with a serrated knife.

Mashed Cauliflower
One head of cauliflower, cut into florets
One box of veg stock

While the veg loaf is cooking, boil cauliflower florets in the stock. Sprinkle some salt in the pot. Boil, covered, 45 minutes or until very soft. Drain, mash, set aside. No need to add anything, since the veg stock gives it so much flavor.

Gravy
1/3 cup diced onion
4 fresh cloves garlic minced
1/2 cup quinoa flour
4 tbsp light soy sauce
1 tbsp Smart Balance butter substitute
2 cups veg broth
1/2 dried thyme or sage
Salt, pepper to taste (start with 1/4 tsp each, can always add more)
Heat olive oil or veg oil in a small/ medium sauce pot. Sauté the onions and garlic 5 min until translucent. Add broth as needed to prevent burning. Add the faux butter, soy sauce, and flour. Mix to make a smooth paste. Slowly whisk in the broth. Add seasonings, reduce heat, and simmer for about ten minutes. The gravy will bubble and thicken, which is what we want.

Assemble your kick ass plate and enjoy.

We're Open

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how easily we (I) close up. It is pretty sad, how quick we are to flee, shut down, clench, and tighten. This is a reflexive, protective mechanism designed to brace us for impact. Even if there is no present and immediate threat of pain, we are so conditioned to expect some kind of hurt, that our bodies shut down. Like armadillos, we squeeze and shrink out of self protection and preservation. Feelings of fear will show up in the body in so many different ways. I talked to a friend yesterday who recently went back on the anti depressants he swore off a few months ago. He was afraid of how they eliminated all emotion. Yesterday this person admitted that facing the flood of feelings and fears was too draining, and required too much effort to contend with. So, he’s back on the pills and now “everything is great”. I was really taken aback at that decision. It’s surely not mine to make. To be able to articulate that taking a pill is so much easier than facing reality, that sounded like someone giving up on themselves. It’s basically admitting you cannot tolerate your reality as is, and so you’ll keep renewing whatever prescription gets you the hell out of there. There are so many reasons why, and ways how, we close down in order to protect ourselves and our stories. A child expresses something that’s tough and inconvenient for a parent to hear; the mother’s stomach clenches. A spouse is in a bad mood so we pretend we have an errand to do NOW. One suspects a friend is angry at them, so she avoids her texts. Trapped fears will always seek an escape route via the body.
 

The three most common reactions to stress and pain are fight, flight, or freeze. It’s important to learn your own chief reactive reflex. Awareness is the key to unlearning, and beginning to face anything that has us stuck. All our interactions and interpersonal dynamics will remain as stuck as we ourselves are. It’s really unfair to drag others into our own need for reflexive protection. By no means am I talking about taking any sort of abuse. Absolutely remove yourself. It’s like that saying, “Do no harm, but take no shit”. My reaction is flight. I’m sure I hid plenty in my room as a kid when I was afraid of getting in trouble. When we learn that hiding works, we do it again and again. I used to have a tendency to hang up the phone in a conversation I just couldn’t tolerate. It’s really only words; but I had so much fear and discomfort wrapped up in them, and had to check out. Again, do not remain in a verbally abusive situation, but also please know that words alone cannot hurt you. It’s how we relate to them that can. It’s the part of us that agrees or disagrees with them that determines our response. Slamming down the phone, leaving the room, checking out of a difficult discussion, looking at the phone while someone is trying to talk to us, clenching our stomach muscles, or launching into the silent treatment, are just of the ways we shut down. It never fixes anything or makes us feel better long term. It’s an understandable reflex, but it has to be compassionately monitored. We have to know that we can feel safe without it. We have to know we don’t have to bounce in order to self preserve. Staying open in life is so crucial. A close mind is an unhappy one, same with a closed heart. A closed, stiff body physically hurts. So many people I know speak of waking up in the morning with clenched fists. Prying open their innocent fingers is the first thing they do upon waking. I woke up like that for many years. Even in sleep, the conditioning to shut down takes over.

Last week, someone important to me said something that wounded me. My reflex was to ignore this person. I am an expert at ignoring, blocking, and deleting, sometimes to a fault. That decision has served me well many times, but I can be rash. I noticed the physical sensations in my body from a purely observational standpoint, as I have been taught to do in meditation. No opinions, just noticing. Stomach is tight, heart feels closed, feeling sad, feeling misunderstood. Just noticing and making a mental list. Exploring the sad feeling of being misunderstood, which goes back forever. Acknowledging the pain in that. Validating it. Realizing that this particular person seems to generally see me clearly, so perhaps my reflexes to ignore are coming from the past. Knowing that my goal is to be closer to this person, not get further away, and that shutting down will not support that goal. Breathing through the clenching, telling myself it’s all ok, it is all part of this experience. Since the dawn of time, humans have misunderstood each other. This is just one of those times. It can pass if handled skillfully. Human interactions are often far less personal than we jump to assume they are. It’s an opportunity for me to fight to stay open, to override the shut down reflexes that have protected me in the past. I don’t need that sort of protection anymore. I can handle it, whatever it is. It was hard for me, but I was honest about all of this. We talked, it led to a deeper emotional intimacy, as is often the outcome. We can’t let people in if we are closed off to our own experience. To shut down might protect, but it will also rob you of the chance to allow the right stuff in. The right people will want you to stay open, and support you in your struggle for presence. Never fear honesty; see it as a litmus test for who can handle your stuff. Above all, know your stuff isn’t you. It’s passing phenomena. Stay open so that in can come out the other end of the way it entered. Stay open, even if you have to claw yourself apart. Create space, send breath through that space, and unclench. Pause. Don’t run, don’t check out. Your thoughts can’t hurt you. Let whatever it is wash over you and then through you. It is one of the great human battles, to remain spacious. And it leads to the greatest emotional victories. It’s always worth the commitment and effort.

Capri Pants

Can’t a girl in quarantine fantasize about being in Capri, Italy in the 60’s? Of course she can. Especially when this DVF ensemble is just too fabulous to stay inside a closet all summer. Listen, I’m not going anywhere right now, but it’s fun to get into character when still pumping out style content. They can take away our travel plans, but not our imagination! This outfit is such a statement. Bold and bright, it flows and reveals just the right amounts of skin in strategic places. I love all the coordinating pops of color with the accessories. It was fun to play up the color scheme. Hey, if you have neon orange shoes, now would be the time to bust them out. The 60’s style headband worked perfectly, as did the large sunglasses. The cuff happens to be DVF too, but from a million years ago. It’s always fun to mix the same designer from different decades. In trying to evoke a vibe from another time period, choose accessories that support that mood. These pants can easily be worn a number of equally chic ways; with a white button down or tank top. Options are what make an item reasonably packable, when I will be able to actually get myself on a plane, hopefully to Capri.

Listen to The Less I Know The Better - Tame Impala

Skinny Fruit Crisp

I live for the summer, when peaches, nectarines, and plums are ripe and in season. They are such a gift from nature. I love stone fruit based desserts. This low sugar, almost no carb version of a fruit crisp satisfies while being truly guilt free. The fruit is sweet enough, so no sugar was added to the base. This is so easy; two sliced stone fruits per person with a skinny streusel topping. I refuse to deprive myself, but at the same time am just as happy with a diet friendly take. I’ll stop talking so you can get right to making this. This recipe makes 6 individual ramekin servings.

Ingredients:
6 ramekins sprayed with non stick
About 2 stone fruits per person; mix plums, peaches, and nectarines
1/3 cup coconut sugar
1/3 cup monk fruit sweetener
1/2 cup coconut or almond flour
3/4 cup low sugar, low carb granola
1 1/2 tsp cinnamon
3 tbsp non melted coconut oil, plus a tbsp extra of melted for drizzling

Preheat oven to 350. Slice the fruits and place in a bowl with 1/2 tsp of the cinnamon. Mix gently, then divide the slices into the ramekins. Mix all other ingredients in a bowl for the streusel, except the melted oil. Mix with fingers to blend together until the topping forms. Divide the streusel onto each ramekin. Drizzle with the melted coconut oil, to crisp up the topping a bit. Bake for 45 minutes.

Emojis as Boundaries 🙅🏼‍♀️

Boundaries are something most humans really struggle with. Defining them, understanding them, setting them, knowing we deserve them, and then dealing with all the feels involved. For codependent empathic types, who have been trained to self betray to serve someone else, boundaries are terrifying. We (yes, I’m in da club) have to swim oceans to first understand what boundaries even are, so accustomed are we to chopping ourselves into pieces for others. Then come the ravines full of guilt; feeling like a horrible, selfish person in setting them. Boundaries are really acts of love, to both ourselves and to the one we are in relationship with. Setting them protects the dynamic and allows it to continue without resentment. But codependent empathic types don’t understand what acts of self love really are. We were so deeply programmed that our own stuff doesn’t matter. We were taught to give, serve, deliver, perform, and manage the emotions and expectations of those around us. A lack of boundaries leads to a staggering level of corrosive resentment. Boundaries are scary AF, especially for those of us who were always criticized and rejected for attempting to speak up on our own behalf. Am I a terrible, selfish person? Maybe they’re right; I only think of myself. It’s all my fault. What’s the big deal if I just (fill in the blank) to keep the peace? These are just some of the neurotically reactive thoughts that can come up while setting boundaries. My favorite is when people self betray to “take the high road”. It sounds like self righteous BS as a guise for wimping out. It’s the mind’s way of convincing that it’s ok to deny the self again, since it’s for the greater good. It’s always a recipe for resentment, as well as shame in ignoring our own needs yet again.

 Many of us have a lot of extraneous relationships in our lives. I personally do not, but it took awhile to get to this place. I truly only engage with whom I want to, but almost everyone I knows struggles with these kinds of unnecessary connections. This is how emojis can really help you with beginning to set boundaries. I’m not referring to the chief relationships in our lives. Our partner, our children, our best friends, and close family members deserve our wise attention. Those relationships are on our top shelf, and must be handled with love and care, for the sake of all parties involved (including us). However, when it comes to the presences in our lives that we could probably live without and don’t enjoy that much, emojis are a tool available to avoid invasive, annoying questions, dumb, offensive comments, and nosy inquiries. Emojis are fun and there are so many of them‼️ Why not utilize modern technology to help us set and maintain boundaries ⁉️ This is a conservation of energy. It’s not an excuse to wimp out on real boundary setting. Rather, it’s a skillful discernment about where to expend our energy and efforts. Boundaries are hard enough; don’t waste your precious energetic reserves on every intrusive person floating around your world. A lot of people have a tough time simply not answering. This is how emojis can help you go down a road you do not want to travel, if ignoring is too much for you. You do not have to answer questions you don’t want to. You don’t ever have to explain yourself to the bored yenta, who needs a distraction from her own reality. Your business is yours to share with whom you choose to and when. If you need permission to self preserve via ignoring or emoji use, I’m giving it to you. I very much understand that need for permission, when being true to ourselves is foreign or new.

Some ways to try emojis to self preserve:

In response to that annoying question.

when you want to make it clear you will not discuss this right now.

In response to passive aggressive comments. Show them you’re too cool to be  affected by their foolishness.

If you don’t want to engage in gossip.

If it’s late enough where you can feign exhaustion and bounce.

To combat whining. The dancing girl    comes in handy in negative, ironic    situations. She can symbolize “good times”.

This classic can easily address that evil  question, “how are you?”. Perhaps the  asker doesn’t mean badly, but you don’t feel  like answering such a loaded question. Your  life and what you choose to divulge about it  is ALWAYS YOUR CHOICE. ALWAYS.

I see you if this is uncomfortable and unfamiliar. Most of us were never taught to honor and protect ourselves. You spent an arm and a leg on the iPhone, you may as well use it to serve you emotionally, since it’s your constant companion anyway.

“Siri, tell the person calling I never liked them to begin with”.

Floral Flow

Sometimes all you need is that perfect breezy, floral, summer dress. This one from Warriors of the Divine, a Bali based company, puts me in that lovely, feminine zone. It flows, it moves with me, and it drapes forgivingly in a scrumptious way. Day or evening, this dress is perfect for many summer occasions, even a more casual wedding. With Corona weddings being smaller, more intimate, stripped down affairs, this look would be divine. Boho chic it up with mismatched turquoise and gold jewelry, and a flat sandal or kitten heel. It took me a long time to embrace florals; so glad I did. Lesson? Always stay open to new ways of being, including the way we dress. Going with the flow really does work.

Listen to Snoop Dogg ft Justin Timberlake, Charlie Wilson - Signs

vegan cc cookies

To bake or not to bake, that is the question! This dough was crazy town delicious raw. Freezes easily in rolled dough balls (sorry, not sorry). What I really suggest, is freezing half raw and half baked. I’m not vegan, but I like to play around for my followers who are. It’s so wonderful that there are so many ways to enjoy sweets and treats with a more conscious approach, health wise and with respect to our animal friends. This is a one bowl recipe. Why not make life easy where we can?

Ingredients:
1/2 cup monk fruit sweetener, the kind that’s an equal sub to sugar
3/4 cup coconut sugar
1 1/2 tsp salt
1/4 cup non dairy milk
3/4 cup each banana flour and coconut flour (or 1 1/2 Cups total of your favorite white flour alternatives, like almond or quinoa flour)
1/2 tsp baking soda
1 cup Lily’s chocolate chips
1/3 to 1/2 cup unsweetened shredded coconut
1/2 cup melted coconut oil

Mix all. Cover and chill dough for 30 minutes, if baking. If not baking, roll into balls and freeze. If baking, do so for about 15 minutes until edges are deep golden brown.
 Oven on 350.

Beautifully Brave

There’s a line in Untamed by Glennon Doyle that I love. It’s something I have seen before in other contexts, and I love being reminded of it. She writes, “The braver I am, the luckier I get.” Yes, yes, and yes! A couple of years ago I read a quote to that effect on Instagram. It was about how so often we are scared to jump off a cliff, only to realize we’ve landed on a featherbed. Nature rewards courage, is the message. I was struck when I read that, and I have lived according to that promise from nature. Doyle’s sentiment was an affirmation of how bravery and chutzpah, despite our fears, will land us in the right places. It’s an amazing reward for soldiering on while consumed with doubt and trepidation. No one is telling you to not be scared or to suppress your feelings; that’s cruel and unnatural. But the encouraging message here is supportive and reassuring. It doesn’t mean we will get our fixed desired outcome. But it means follow your heart and swing for the fences. If you fall flat on your face, ok. Not the end of the world. Since man has walked the earth, he has sometimes felt like a giant asshole. It’s something we all go through; don’t take your foibles so seriously. Fear of failure, rejection, embarrassment; all very real and scary. Whatever it is, do it anyway. It’s better to try, than to live with the corrosive shame in not honoring yourself and living your truths.

Things that have frightened me to my core:
    Getting divorced
    Going to DJ school
    Starting Lady Blaga
    Social media
    New relationships
    Parasailing
    Zip lining

These are just some examples. Each of our lives are comprised of thousands of scary details. I can tell you from from own experiences, that the things I was most afraid of have put me in all the right places. Once I pushed past the dragons guarding the gates, I entered into soft realms full of welcoming spaciousness and possibility. I felt loved, mostly by myself. That’s the secret to bravery; it’s an act of self love that immediately draws in more love from the universe. We allow for gifts to touch us by telling those dragons to get out of our way. I mean, how scary is childbirth??? It gives us the best gifts imaginable. To be brave is to be vulnerable and raw, otherwise it’s often a form of denial. To pretend like nothing is bothering you is false bravery. To know you’d rather crawl back into a cave but venture out anyway is the real stuff.
 As I’m faced with new situations and possibilities, damn right I’m scared.  But I refuse to let the “what if’s” control my life. I’m living proof that nature rewards courage. The more dark, unfamiliar paths I travel, the more I see the world I’m meant to live in. I see your fear. I hear your doubts and reservations. I know that whatever it is you’re afraid of tackling, will be met with support and guidance. Failure and rejection are redirection. We were built to jump and designed to land.
Sending love and admiration as you bravely walk your individual paths. Don’t let fear conquer you; let IT watch YOU conquer your story.

Jungle Love

This is me ironically posing for a wild, vine swinging photo shoot. Two reasons why this vibe is a fantasy;

1) I’m terrified of heights so vine swinging ain’t for me.

2) WE ARE STILL TRAPPED AT HOME AND CANNOT GO ANYWHERE.

Travel via nature or man made modes of transportation are still out of the question. Creativity has been really helping to keep my mind healthy, though. This dress from Bali based yogi Meghan Currie, from her new line Isabelle Moon, helps me achieve that perfect sexy, lounge mood. This dress is great for chilling at home, as a cover up at the pool, or out to dinner post COVID. It’s so comfortable yet helps me tap into my wild side. Messy hair and gold and brown accessories drive home the look. That shell ear cuff is a new fave detail. Bali is definitely on my list of travel destinations once that becomes possible, but for now I’ll settle for wilding out at home.

Crunchy Kale Lentil Salad

Summer salads are a joy to make. I like to use as many ingredients from my garden as possible. This combo features lettuce, kale, basil, and sage picked just before I put this together. Pantry finds completed my mission; hearty French lentils, crunchy nuts, and chopped scallions drizzled with quality olive oil and balsamic. The fresh herbs lighten up the heartiness of the lentils. I didn’t even mix a dressing, I really just drizzled and seasoned to taste with salt and pepper. Crumbled feta lends a fresh visual pop and a treat for you cheese lovers. This salad can easily be a meal.
Ingredients:
Two cups red or green leaf lettuce
Two cups chopped kale
1 cup French lentils prepared according to package directions
1 packed cup chopped scallions
A couple of handfuls of toasted slivered almonds and roasted soybeans
A cup chopped fresh basil
1/2 cup chopped fresh sage
Balsamic vinegar, olive oil, salt pepper
Feta, goat, or fresh mozzarella cheese

Place the kale in a large bowl. Drizzle with olive oil and massage it in well. Doing this softens the coarse kale a bit. Add the rest of the ingredients. Drizzle with added oil and balsamic, adding as needed after tasting. Salt and pepper to taste.

LISTEN TO THE HOOTERS, AND WE DANCED